Home Again

Home Again

I returned home to another kind of hell. He was angry with me for leaving. The house was in disarray and he had torn up credit cards of mine and other papers that could make a difference. My personal belongings were tampered with including my birth control pills. He looked very sullen with a threatening demeanor. As soon as I got the baby settled and took a hot bath myself, he cornered me. He was definitely enraged at the idea of my going to his hometown. He detested my independence His intensity grew until he grabbed me and forced himself on me. He threw me on the bed and held me down, he raped me. My tears were silent. There was no sobbing, just tears that fell away without pain or anger. I felt the loss of some deep sense of self within me. It silently left my body creating an empty space where it once lived. It drifted out of me and disappeared into the atmosphere without a sound: A vanishing. It wasn't my heart; it was still beating. It wasn't my soul; I was still alive, It wasn't my brain; I could still think. It was that invisible energy of life. He had just robbed me of a person's greatest gift: spirit self.

That ended it. I was definitely filing for divorce. I had this feeling of emptiness. I was overwhelmed with hatred but I kept it in. This was not worthy of any angry words.In retrospect did he think that because I didn't fight him I was actually willing to be harmed or did he rather think that he was not harming me. I will never know for sure except that he did seem to gain pleasure from my pain or heartbreak. I learned early on not to reveal my pain or terror over what he did. The reason for this was simple; he used any retaliation or attempt at discussing his transgressions as criticisms which further aggravated him. I could not let on that he had degraded me, I refused to beg plead or scream to authenticate his success a hurting me. Protesting the assaults was not a wise solution. He wanted to get the better of me to feed his ego mania and I was not going to cooperate. After every assault verbal or physical it was never mentioned again by him or me. He acted as if nothing had ever happened. I acted that way too, but inside my wounds festered.

In a short while I would suspect the obvious because my period was overdue. And there were some increasing signs of possible pregnancy, I kept thinking that I had been upset and under great stress with the trip and my return to his rage that maybe I was just late. But No I was pregnant. I was also very worried. I had been advised not to get pregnant for 3 years due to the preeclampsia and the C-section. I knew I was going to be sick again. I also knew that I couldn't leave him like I had hoped. I had drawn the trapped card from the destiny pile in the game of marriage.

I was humbled to my core, I would have to stay with him and I didn't want to. I loathed him secretly. I needed his insurance and I needed the familiar pattern of home life to get through the next nine months. I could not afford the high level of stress of being alone and under threat. I would need to know my environment. In some ways I felt like an impostor and in other like a protector. I was carrying another life that was just as important as my own, maybe more important than my own at this time. My body was responsible for her life. She needed me to live. I had to stay safe and well for her. This was to be a major challenge physically and emotionally.

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