FADING OUT

A three part post

Part 1: IN RETROSPECT

I spent 17 years in a marriage to a man with the most psychologically twisted persona I had ever encountered. He looked just like any regular guy.  I had no idea what I was dealing with until it was too late.  After 17 years of pain and stress, with costs to my health, both mental and physical, I left him.

After divorcing him, I endured 16 more years of harassment and stalking, spying, breaking and entering and smear campaigns. First he played the victim and cried long and hard about "what was I trying to do kill him?" Then when I didn't respond to him he turned his pain into rage using retaliation and crazy making and parental alienation. He deliberately turned my children against me while I fought desperately to save them from themselves and worked to put a roof over their heads and feed and clothe them. This continued until he died an early death at the age of 54. He not only obsessed himself to death but drank and drugged himself into liver failure. At this point I thought I was free and breathed a sigh of relief. Surely now, we could find peace as a family, my children and I, but No…

He left his legacy of hate and emotional instability along with predatory ferocity to his children. For the next 14 years I would watch as they disintegrated into carbon copies of their father. I wanted to forgive them for betraying me at his behest. I knew his consequences were a real threat and motivator for them to comply. I can forgive them for acting on what they didn't know, hadn't witnessed or experienced because I shielded them from its horrors. What I couldn't excuse is their adult choice to mistreat those who loved them and befriended them by: emotionally swindling their hearts out of love, robbing them of their money, time possessions and self -worth, siphoning off their energy, well-being and health, and deliberately fraying their nerves to the point of desperation. They should have known by then, that love is best when reciprocal.

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Part 2: THE CHRONICLES

Both children had married, had children, divorced and turned the lives of their families and friends into piles of rubble and chaos. I watched in horror as I tried to turn my son into a father and lead my daughter into a loving vision of herself rather than a raging vindictive narcissist. It didn't take. My over functioning didn't do one bit of good. For the first time I had to consider that predisposition and genetics were a viable factor in all this. Predisposition alone does not predict psychopathy but genetics never change and cannot be changed. What was the dominant gene in this case and where did it come from? 

At the end of 2014, when I withdrew my unconditional love and support from my son and told him no more, he sold his house, spent the money at the casino and ran away with his drug addicted girlfriend, leaving his children without a father and he never looked back. He traveled from the west coast to the east coast and back again with several stops in between. There were reports of his being placed in a mental hospital and that the two of them were experiencing hallucinations and swore the trees were talking and that people were watching them through their roofs and the car mirrors were moving. I didn't hear from him until 2016 when he called me on HIS birthday. I didn't answer the phone so he left a recorded message. He was accusing me of spying on him and that he was going to get an attorney to stop me. (Like he could afford that) His girlfriend was coaching him in the background to tell me to quit harassing them. I hadn't bothered them since my objections in 2014 but plenty of credit companies, repo men and banks were looking for him. I didn't answer the message. Sorrowfully, he had sealed his fate with me and was no longer a part of my life. I faced my grief over the loss of a family member who was still alive but not fully here in the flesh or even in his right mind. No closure. The emotions were conflicting. Would I choose his hypothetical death or my life? Maybe both?  A few years after, I found out where he was and I decided to send him a text that would set my record straight and get closure for myself. He was not going to keep me hostage to his passive aggressive silent treatment through disappearance and games of hide and seek! I never heard from him again (He knew better) but his incensed and outraged girlfriend called me leaving several messages and obscene recordings. I knew then that I had hit a nerve. It wouldn't be long before I found out that I had hit another nerve by sending this message. My daughter was enraged by the information that I had contacted him and she was calling people to find out who had divulged this very secret phone number and location of his to me. She was furious about it and had some pretty nasty things to say about me to her contacts. It was odd that she should become so unhinged over this because nothing in my text said anything about her. Her fury didn't fit and it gave her away as a conspirator and my personal enemy. I knew that sending my son this message was against the rules of No Contact and is not advisable in the case of a dangerous malignant narcissist but it was imperative for my sanity. Therefore, I had to risk it. 

It wouldn't be long before he and his girlfriend split up over charges of his domestic violence. Personal responsibility was upon him. I had no qualms about my decision to stay out of it. No rescuing or reassuring. Having been in a domestic violence relationship myself, I couldn't begin to condone his behavior.

Getting back to 2015: On the back burner of life, my daughter was cooking up her own recipe for manipulation and control. She invited me over to her house for a visit. I sensed that I might be headed straight for the stew pot. She loved stirring the pot, so I took my husband with me just for security. She initiated the conversation by indicating dissatisfaction with her reconciliation with her ex-husband and asked which was worse; divorce or living with someone you had problems with. My response was that neither one was easy if that was what she was looking for. She then started hinting about money and began to tell stories about her ex as being a temperamental, pouting, sulker who was upset with her and the kids because she was emotionally distant. She told him to get over it because she was not a touchy feely person and that was just who she was, like it or not.  Red flags started popping up. My guts started to spin. I recognized the signs of twisting truths to fit her needs and for smearing the other person and putting her faults onto him. It had all been done to me and it was uncomfortably familiar. I told her I was not going to give her money to leave her ex. She would have to make that decision on her own. She smirked at me through her disappointment and carried on about how she had talked her father-in-law into changing his will so that he left his inheritance to their children and not to her ex, his only son. She brought up the movie the Burning Bed and borrowed pieces of my life to upgrade her situation as a victim. More red flags! She had set her scene carefully and had cookies on the stove and was hugging her children as if to show me that she was a nurturing mother. By now I was getting sick to my stomach. I had to get away from there. I had that uneasy feeling of being too close to a toxic person. She had played her ex into taking her back in because they were both literally bankrupt from the divorce she caused. It also sounded like she was also turning her children against him. Who knows how much of what she said that night was true but I had to take it at face value. Finally, I said it was getting late and that we would be back to give her the food I had promised her at another time. We left it there.

When we delivered the food we had promised her, she had locked the house against us, even though we had called ahead and she knew we were coming over. When I called her on it she blamed it on the kids. That was it. I left her a text that read: "No contact please. Enough is enough". We were done that day and I haven't talked to her since. She has tried a few times to reel me back in and has organized some vengeful acts against me through friends but I have refused to engage. She had even organized a trip to our vacation home for my son putting someone else up to asking to use it for himself. We figured out that this was a con when it didn't add up. Pay attention when things don't pass the smell test.  I finally recognized that I could not afford to ever see her or talk to either of them again. This is not a lack of love but a very necessary step for self- protection and self-care.

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Part 3:THE PAINFUL TRUTH BRINGS FREEDOM

The old adage, "Who do you believe, me or your eyes?" is a valid question for discerning the truthfulness of a situation or person. When dealing with a narcissist, an addict or a psychopath, it is really harder to differentiate. They live to confuse you with lies and omissions and they are master chameleons. They skillfully avoid your truth radar. By the time you awaken from their intoxicating poison, you have been hoodwinked many times. It is a sad day when you must face the news that someone you love has been tricking you for years. Honesty never was or never would be a part of their character.

In August of 2014, a person I barely knew gave me quite possibly one of the greatest gifts I could have ever received in this life. She freed me from the confused reality I was living. She gave me the gift of the 'painful truth'. I had been operating from a base of false information for at least 35 years: When people lie to you repeatedly and hide behind secret agendas, your reality changes and you live a life blinded by misconceptions. Although I had suspicions of my own during these years I could never prove what she, through her tears and hurt about her relationship with my son, made perfectly clear. My children had mastered the art of lying and perfected the skill of misrepresentation to the point of ruining lives, my own included. It was abundantly clear, for the first time in a long time, that I had been betrayed and played by a couple of pros. It pierced my heart and cut so deeply that I was in complete shock and nearly lost it. I wished so much for a reason not to believe her, but there was none. There was undeniable proof. Eventually, through time and much soul searching and a wise and compassionate psychiatrist whom I think the world of, my shock turned into gratitude. This day transformed my life in ways this woman will never know and perhaps will never be able to appreciate as much as I do. We never became friends and we went our separate ways, and yet, I will never forget her. She has her own broken heart to mend, as do I. But, I thank her every day for being the catalyst that broke the spell that had been killing me one day at a time for 30 plus years.

Be grateful to those harshest lessons in life, they can bring you the greatest gifts in the ugliest packages. It is up to you to transform them into the beautiful present they will become.

Thank you for reading my story. Take care of yourselves.

HOLDING ON

I held onto my children by a thread. I kept hoping for a better outcome, the one where they didn't become narcissists and drug addicts themselves. The one where they didn't betray me, dupe me and use me: The one where they didn't drink and use drugs and abuse their spouses: The one where they didn't abandon their children and families by disappearing so no one could find them: The one where they didn't steal and cheat me or try to contest my inheritance for their own benefit: The one where they didn't bait their spouse into reacting to nude photos on their phone and then follow it up with malign cunning to get their spouse arrested for domestic violence: The one where they didn't carry tales to my ex who was only crazy enough to kill me one day because of it: I held on hoping that my influence would rise above the evil that surrounded us. You know, the one where love finally wins. Alas, I arrived at the point of refusing to hold on any longer. Not because I don't have love for them but because it is impossible to allow them anywhere near me or my life for fear of what they can and will do. They have shown me, in no uncertain terms who they are and what they will do to me if I give them any means of return. They are like a pack of wolves running me down into complete exhaustion before they strike to kill and rip the flesh from my bones as if to devour my spirit completely. It is as if my eradication is necessary for their survival.
So in 2014 when one of my son's very angry girlfriends didn't mind telling me the truth about him (that truth that nobody else would ever tell me) that I began my journey of recovery and detachment from their malignancy of hate. I had to face some horrible truths about them and I had to harden my heart against them. My creator would not want me to devalue my life for theirs, I am sure of that. 
Forgiveness is now left up to God because every time I reached out with compassion and love and forgiveness they took advantage and used it to further their contemptuous advantages over me. "Sorry "can never be enough and neither can "please forgive me" because repentance and amends have not been given. I don't think there is anything they can do to erase the malice that they intended. Breaking trust is the straw that just hurts too much, leaving reconciliation out of the question. Forgiveness is too much to ask for and so forgiveness is now reserved for myself. I forgive myself for staying too long in a marriage that damaged everyone it touched. I forgive myself for marrying him in the first place. May God forgive me, also.  I believed I was doing the right thing by keeping the family together and standing up as a *Stoic Force amidst the chaos and degradation. I had no idea that I was trying to make a family by myself while evil was working against it. 
*Stoic forces = wisdom, morality, courage, and moderation
There was a time that I doubted the existence of evil in my life; I thought it was like Cain and Abel or Hitler in Nazi Germany or Pol Pot or al-Qaeda or the butcher of Bagdad. Evil is not always so out in the open or identifiable. It creeps into your life wearing a disguise and now I know its disguises. It is underhanded and sneaky. It presents as a victim or a lover or a cause. It is always right. It has many faces each one for a different purpose: the main one is to obliterate or cripple you and take whatever is left for themselves. I stared it in the face for years. It is definitely frightening and can drain the life out of you. It is something that is hard to define and recognize until it has captured you, put its claws into you, and starts to rip away at your life force. Then you will know it and you will never doubt it again. 
2014 was also the years that I landed on the Psychiatrists couch, thank heavens! I am forever grateful to this kind physician who walked me through this.  After the girlfriend had told me that addiction to methamphetamines was an issue with my son along with lying constantly and stealing and emotional cruelty, I fell into shock. The fact that my daughter was supporting her brother's newer relationship and admitting that she was glad he had come to her when I rejected him further alarmed me. I had to see someone about this. I decided to tell the Dr. all of the examples of what I had been through with my family for years. In one sentence he solved the mystery. He told me that all three of them were psychopaths. I was relieved that I wasn't crazy but I didn't know it would take a few more years to fully accept that diagnosis. That was a hard pill to swallow after all the love and dedication I had poured into these people. How could I have missed this? Well, I didn't miss it; I felt every blow and brow beating. I was just afraid to call it what it was for fear of mis-judging someone, especially my children. When children cross the line into adulthood carrying these traits with them, they are no longer children, They are adults with an incurable disorder: INCURABLE being the key word here. Love, compassion, forgiveness and understanding and mercy will never bring about the desired outcome. Neither will reasoning, common sense, correction or punishment or well intention consequences. They are immune to these restraints. They can't recognize or decipher the need to adapt and change. They only value reward and will use any means to get it. This is a hard acceptance for the parent since we know if we want the best for them we cannot reward bad behavior.
Catch 22
Stay tuned for my next post Fading Out

The Bridges and Triangles of Parental Alienation and Psychopathy

Remembering that this is from my experiences only: It is time now to investigate two triangles: “The Perverse Triangle"”The Cross-Generation Coalition” and “The Triangulation Bridge”. I could continue to reveal to you many accounts of the mistreatment I received from my ex-husband and our two children. I have done some of that in my past posts. What this has led up to, however, is the triangles and bridges. When  a child crosses the rickety, swaying ,dangerous triangulation bridge and turns to look back after reaching the so-called safety on the other side, he/she all too often sees that this bridge has fallen into the water and he can no longer use it to go back to what was. The child can only be a disenfranchised off spring transformed into a sub-agent to act on behalf of the offending parent to try to further his position in the family.  He or she is now trapped in the cross generation coalition of being rewarded to be defiant, disrespectful, selfish, rude, judgmental, haughty, ungrateful, and hateful toward the once loving parent. He is held hostage in an unknown territory of lies and deceit and mind games of disobedience and disrespect and he is empowered to be dishonest and duplicitous and scheming. He cannot admit his part in this so he keeps up the behavior as if it were a sporting competition that he is winning. The elevation to the role of a partner and adult with the offending parent is exciting and pays very good dividends. Together they share secrets of the malicious kind to undermine the other parent’s authority and to restore control to the offending parent over his ex-spouse. The treacherous liaison revels and delights in the crest fallen reactions of the loving and concerned parent.  The deliberate assault on the psyche of a vilified, confused and terrified parent is further motivation to keep delivering blows until the loving parent has no choice but to look like an ineffective fool or worse yet a “crazy” while trying to maintain the high road of a stable and reliable co-parent. 

A Coalition has been formed on the back and heart of a child. The emotionally unstable parent has become so obsessed with his rejection by the other parent that he will use anyone he can to make himself look innocent including his children who in blind obedience kindle the pain and sufferings of the other parent. 

The Coalition forms at the hands of the emotionally unbalanced ex-partner and is orchestrated willfully. What better resource than someone who lives with the other parent and can avail themselves of critical information to use against that parent. You may not recognize that this is happening until it is too late. The relationship you had with your child has changed almost overnight. One day you were super mom or dad and now you are defiled and you cannot figure out why. This is a diabolical plan to destroy you, Why? Because you divorced him and he hates you for it. No matter what he says, he really does hate you. His cries of Love for you to all who will listen are not true.

The Coalition

Formation

• It is created by recruiting the child away from the other parent by slowly tearing down the credibility of the other parent through lies if necessary. 
• Puts a relationship with the abuser as the most desirable and most beneficial.(rewards of money, privileges, praise and adult status)
• Paints a vision for a common goal which is to be together excluding the other parent or on a false mission to reunify the family or correct the other parents “bad decisions”.  
• Elevates the child to a superior role as a type of pseudo spouse or “parentify” them so they are willing to sit in judgment of the other parent. 
• Strokes their Ego Incentivizes them by making them a subagent with a job to do and creating for them a stake in the outcome. 
• Establish the abuser as the leader and benefactor the only one worthy of their devotion and loyalty.

Building 

• The abuser decides which child is most likely to be supportive of his plan and who might be the easiest to manipulate into this scheme.
• He will use a pity ploy to get the child on his side claiming to be a victim of the ruthless ex who destroyed him by doing all these made up bad things when it was really him who was ruthless and cruel during the marriage.
• He will decide which child might be an obstacle to his success and make that child a scapegoat and a target of his wrath. He will tell this child that this divorce is his fault. He will ostracize this child until he/she caves under the constant oppression and gives into the abuser and his sub-agent or the child may get involved in drugs and alcohol to cope. Eventually this child may figure out that he would do better if he gave into the abuser and defy the other parent. 
• The abuser will also figure out which family members he can draw into his circle by casting doubt in them about the other parent. He begins an outward campaign including neighbors and friends, coworkers and families to smear the other parent in their eyes.
• He will expand his network of denigration and he will check it often to see if his potential candidates are still listening to him or if he has to up his game. He is out to convince anyone that you are a terrible person and remember his is extremely convincing. He will strengthen his position by making up allegations that even the devil hasn’t thought of.

The Pact

• Trust is accomplished through mutual dishonesty. In any alliance trust is a foundation. In a toxic alliance the trust is formed by their mutual dishonesty. The abuser convinces the child to violate boundaries, lie, and disrespect authority in order to further his agenda which is based on the lies he has told the child about the other parent. They are now in a commitment of cross generational coalition. They are bound by a dishonest agreement that neither can break for fear of being held accountable for the breach. The double edged sword.
• Dissolve all boundaries and limits. Circumvent laws or rules for co- parenting by devious means. Go to court repeatedly accusing the other parent of maliciousness. This assures that the abuser is still in your life forever.
• The truth is the abuser’s enemy so he has to make sure it never comes out. He tells fantastic lies over and over again until the truth gets lost forever. Lies and exaggerations are the cement that holds things together. Nobody believes that anyone would make up such garbage if it weren’t true. Nobody can fathom that a parent would tell a child such horrible accounts of another person unless it was pf the utmost importance to the child’s safety. People never dreamed you could be capable of such things but now they believe them hook, line, and sinker because your ex is so convincing.

The Tools and Methods

• The Power of Suggestion is used to sway the child into his camp. The offending parent shares some information he has about the other parent which is either false or a twist on the truth and presents it to the child as evidence. He explains that the other parent is hiding something or up to no good and needs to be monitored so this can be stopped from ruining their lives. He needs the help of the child to restore peace. He will lie about the other parent’s sanity or ability to lead and take care of them.
• Next he introduces the child into how to obtain this information for him so he can change the situation back to what is used to be or so he says. He really just wants to see you in ruins. He says he will reward the child for bringing him information. He/she will get special favors. He tells the child how to snoop through drawers and personal belonging, mail and even the household finances. He wants lists of friends and their phone numbers. He wants the child to listen in on phone calls and talks with their friends to garner what or where the other parent will be at certain times. He wants to know where the targeted parent goes on her dates and what activates she participates in. He begins to know everything about the other parent and shows up at the most unexpected places. The child is his informant. This is their secret. It is very damaging to the target parent and child as well.
• Following this he allows the child into the adult world by extracting opinions on all this from her or him. He helps her to form opinions of the other parent from the information she has confiscated. The child is now placed in an exalted position over the other parent and is set up to judge the actions and worthiness of the other parent: to criticize and condemn as the need arises, to use and abuse as he has instructed. In the child’s mind he or she is now the head of the family and leader of the group because the abuser has told her as much. He strengthens the child’s influence over other family members and friends until he/she turns completely against the loving parent and becomes totally enmeshed in the perverse triangle. The more the child uncovers in the information stealing the more he is able to twist her/his loyalty by evidence mongering. He now has proof, whatever that is, and says “See, I told you so”. The other parent now has no privacy in life whatsoever and has lost the love and respect of her children. I will add here that this time in my life was one of the darkest and dreadful times of my life and it was all based on false allegations and scrutiny like I have never experienced before or since. Everything was made to look like something other than what it was. I thought that my phone was tapped, my home was bugged and that my friends were my traitors when it was really my children operating in the shadows.
• The challenge won’t be complete until the child is completely indoctrinated into his sadistic and hate filled world of revenge and retaliation. The child has to reach a point at which he/she can carry out what he has taught her/him on her own without his encouragement or coercion. The child has to completely buy into his belief system and never question or critically examine what he has encouraged her/him to do against the other parent. They now have totally shared values and secret information that is only between the two of them. The child has crossed the triangulation bridge and will never return. The tactics learned from him will be employed by the child to be used almost unconsciously into all of her future relationships because the character traits of honesty integrity and honor were negated in her life by the exclusion of the targeted parent. It is now an automatic life skill to secure the child’s needs.

To Be Continued

IF ONLY

When I began this blog over a year ago I was under the impression that there wasn't much out there on the traumas that I had experienced. There was clinical information on Narcissism but that didn't tell the human story of how much it hurt and why it hurt to endure these things. What I wanted to talk about were the attacks and the callous and heinous ways that these marauders of my soul acted toward me. 
I was also on a healing journey of my own. I had been told many times before writing this that writing it down would help me to heal and bring me some peace. Sometimes it did and other times it was a painful process of discovery of the maliciousness of the people that I had loved and their disregard for me. I had put so much into my marriage and had invested my entirety into my children only to come away with wounds and scars that may never be erased and comforted because of who they are. As I wrote it became apparent that these people, my family, did not fit into a mold or a certain grouping of symptoms. And so , I was solving a mystery of sort. What had caused this and what was it? 
As I researched my experiences and their behaviors I think I was hoping that it was "only alcoholism" or "only drug addiction "or only "narcissism" or maybe, " just simple parental alienation". What became obvious was that there were no "onlys". All of these conditions had worked together to form a whole. It had morphed into a gang mentality of three that had nearly destroyed me emotionally, financially, mentally and physically. I had been a loving and giving mother and wife working from a disadvantaged position because I had no idea what they were up to. When I tried harder and they would come up with new ways to throw me off. They were enjoying the game of cat and mouse while I was trying to understand why everything was always going wrong. 
I tried to be strong in the face of teenage rebellion but I would find out later that this was not their problem either. After they reached the age of 20 and their father had died they were still a problem to me. They liked to confuse and humiliate me with their recklessness and lies. OMG The lying! I blamed myself for years thinking I must have done something terrible for them to be so wayward and so full of hate toward me. After considerable soul searching I knew that I had been a dedicated mom and the only thing I had done was to stay too long in a marriage with a man who was absolutely deviously crazy. 
I began to unravel his family tree and look at what they all held in common. Through this lens I saw a link of inherited behaviors or legacies of mental and emotional traits that were the same in all cases. They drank and/or did drugs, They had sexual immorality (his mother being a barmaid and a madam), they were criminals and con artists, they took advantage of people to line their pockets, they ignored their children or put them in less than advantageous situation, they had rage attacks and fought each other not only with words but with fists, they seemed to fit the definition of crazy. I thought that since we lived 900 miles way from them and only visited them occasionally, we were safe from this horror story. But that is not the case. Miles don't matter here. It was carried in their hearts, minds and souls. It was in the DNA of their offspring. It can be planted there at conception and it can be nurtured there in their environment, most likely both, although I can't say how. 
When I was young and getting married I thought it was right not to judge someone on the merits of their parents and family, now I say, take a hard look at what your intended was raised under because it may be served on your plate for the rest of your life. Even if you divorce, having children with this person raises the chance that your children will inherit or emulate this caustic group of cells called a person. You will find yourself in a position of having to leave your family behind so you can live a healthier and more stable life. This is not a natural occurrence for a parent. We bond with our child at birth, but it is not to say that they bond with us, especially if they have this set of genes. 
It is a difficult road as it plays our mile after mile until years have gone by. We face detours, construction and deconstruction, getting lost, no road maps and running out of gas, and broken parts but we press on with love trying to find the destination of family. We may find that this family doesn't work no matter what we do. You know the song, "You Can't Make Someone Love You" and there is a truth in that. If you have followed my blog since the beginning you will remember that I told you that I had attended AA when I was fist married and found that it didn't quite fit. Yes, he drank to excess but there was something else, that something else was what I needed to discover and uncover to fully recover from the seventeen years of a loveless marriage and thirty more years of repercussions of this lunacy through my children. Locked into this reprehensible code of life is the secret of how this is transferred and how this dominant condition prevails against all goodness and love in spite of itself. It can be horrifying. We must dare to look at it and investigate it for ourselves because if we don't we might repeat it. Heaven forbid.
What I will uncover is not what I wished for. Realizing what I had been through was heartbreaking. There is more to it.

THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM

Things had become so terrifyingly exhausting that I wanted to leave it all behind. I had to find a way to get out from under this torture. I knew I was trapped but maybe there was a different avenue to freedom.
I was chatting with a Doctor from another clinic and she was telling me that she could get me all the information I needed to work in the Middle East. She had done it and it had served her well. I asked her about my children and she said that the common practice was to place them in French boarding schools while you sign up for a year over there. I was seriously considering it but after delving more deeply into the restrictions I decided against it. I would be leaving one oppressive situation and accepting another in its place. I really didn't want to leave my kids either. I was desperate but maybe not that desperate.
I started considering another option: The one of the underground. There is a way to lose your identity and live in another place without being found. However, I knew that my children were old enough to call their dad and divulge our location especially if they were mad at me for taking them away from their friends and home. Besides, I would also not be able to tell my mother or any close friends that I had left or anything about this. I would just disappear one day and that was it. I thought that was unfair to my parents and my children. If I had been alone, I would have done it in a minute but I wasn't and that was the end of that option.
The only thing left was to stay where I was and deal with the devil I knew rather than a devil I didn't know. I would have to fight on alone and make it through, protecting what I could while suffering the vindictive attacks of a Dark Triad family. I had no idea how deeply this darkness would affect me and that it had the ability to devour my health and sanity. It was a passage through terrible cruelty placed on me for the enjoyment of others. Most days I would be frantic and fearful of what would happen next. I just had to do it, that's all.
My dad died in the middle of all this. His battle with alcoholism had ended with a stroke and then cancer. I really didn't know how I felt; I just had to be there for my mom. And so, I made all the arrangements with work etc. and the children and I boarded a plane to be with my Mom. When we arrived it was literal chaos thanks to my ex. We no more than got in the door than my mom's phone started ringing and my daughter kept answering it. My mom had to tell her to get off of the phone. I was unaware that it was my ex who had been checking on our whereabouts with the people in my neighborhood. Nobody knew where we were because we had left in such a hurry. I was furious with his nosy prying and spying. I was annoyed with my daughter, too, but there was no time for creating another problem on top of the ones we already had. We ate and went to bed for it was to be a long day tomorrow.
In the middle of the night my daughter woke up my mom and told her that her dad was in the alley. Or course my mom got up and shook me awake to tell me what was going on. I was so scared again and so traumatized that he could not even give our family a time to b together and to grieve our loss together without interruption. He had made the 3 hour drive in the middle of the night to do what? Lurk in the shadows like a fiend. I thought he must be possessed.  His obsession had completely consumed him. Did he think he could force me to love him? The whole time we were there my daughter was on the phone with him giving him all the details of the funeral and people who were at the house after the services. She obviously didn't know what side of the fence she was on but at that moment but he would fill her head with all kinds of garbage until he broke our bond into a million pieces. He was out for blood.
After the funeral we packed up my mom and I drove her back to my house to stay with us for a while. Family needs to be together during this time. In a few days, there was a knock on my front door. There he was, my ex, expecting me to be glad to see him. NOT! He actually asked me why I hadn't told him of my dad's death. I answered that it was none of his business anymore. He wanted to explain that he was a friend to my dad and on and on, to which, I slammed the door in his face. He wouldn't know friendship if it hit him head on. I was enraged at his selfish perceptions, as if he was the only person who had rights. I had a right to peace, to move on without harassment and to decide who could be in my life and who could not. I had a right to respect in times of sorrow and to be respected as the mother of our children. I knew he was not the weepy person who was at my front door. That victim mentality was one of the reasons I had left him. He was not who he pretended to be. He was an angry vindictive opportunistic liar with a false face. Each thing he did only pushed me farther away from him.
I had reasons to fear this man. He would attempt to convince the world that he was a wonderful man who only fault was loving me…. to death, if necessary.

THE FAMILY CON ARTIST.

They draw on their ability to talk people into things.

*I was never sure where this ability came from because it just appeared one day, but later I recognized that it had been practiced over time. Was this part of the genetic makeup which was so evident on my ex’s family line? There was always the chance that they had learned it from someone but who would teach them that? Their father? None-the –less it had become a part of their characters and personalities and something they shared like a genetic trait.

They learn what works TO GET THEM WHAT They WANT almost every time. They Practice manipulations: Practice makes perfect. Experience is the best teacher and repetition is the key to success. We now have a person with a manipulative skill set.


They play on your deepest affections or EMOTIONS. 

My example: I was their mother and of course we had strong ties to our family. They knew I was emotionally invested in them and cared deeply for them on every level. They decided that this was a strong tool for manipulation and used my motherly love against me for their personal gain.

They play the victim and make people feel pity for them. They guilt others into helping them through lies and sob stories.

They show signs of an addiction. Addicts are great talkers and takers and highly manipulative. They have to invest in their need by hook or by crook. Addicts also have a dull conscience or lack remorse for what they do. This makes them better swindlers.

My Example: All three of my perpetrators were and are substance abusers. You have heard of the “gift of gab”, well. They had it in abundance.  The substance abuse, alcohol or drugs, reduced their inhibitions and gave freedom of speech a new meaning. There was no conscience provoking thought or word once they got started. Lies were the standard, outrageous stories about friends and relatives took the spotlight and money was always part of the repertoire. My daughter truly believed she was due an inheritance from my mother and went to an attorney about it after a night on the town. She forgot that she had slandered my mother by making up stories about my mom having a love relationship with a family friend soon after my fathers’ death. I felt that my mom could do whatever she wanted to without some child poking her nose in where it didn’t belong. End result: no inheritance money but she tried.

They harness and direct their selfishness and greed to further their gain. They look for people who have wealth, talent or popularity to take advantage of: status symbols.

They learn to be an actress or actor and adopt a false persona to enhance their masquerade.

They convince people that they are successful or popular, a leader and someone to follow and admire. They play a role, appear to be someone they are not, rich well dressed, popular, fashionable, and part of the inner circle etc.

They convince themselves that they can fool anyone and because of that they usually do.

They build up resilience and don’t show fear or doubt. Your fear or doubt is a different story and they relish in it.

They develop their charm and power of persuasion.

They make sure they are believable and have trusting friends to back up their appearance of loyalty and faithfulness. Many people vouch for them.

They find peoples emotional needs and weaknesses and capitalize on them.

They create chaos for their targets by stirring up their emotional reactions. They tear down resistance by pushing you to the end of your rope by using the information they you have given them leaving you clueless.

A very important key here is your emotions. It carries throughout everything they do here. Sad, Mad or afraid is their motto in out witting you. If they can get into your emotional space, they have destroyed you. Guard your emotions and find indifference and safety.

They ask very personal questions about you pretending to be concerned for you in some way. They get others to share their fears, especially getting them to reveal what things they care about the most and the painful part of their lives so that they have all of their secrets to later use against them. They find out what others are insecure about or feeling inferior to or because of. They get to know them rather quickly, become their intimate partner or their closest friend, in order to create a bond. They promise to keep your secrets but then they don’t. Exposing you to ridicule is part of the fun of winning against you.

My example: This was my daughter’s favorite tactic. She would warm up to me asking me about my plans, my dates, or even my thoughts on subjects and then she would use it against me. This took the form of telling stories to my unsuspecting boyfriend to make me look bad. She would use it to report everything that was going on in our home to my ex-husband who rewarded her substantially for carrying tales. She told my mother that I spent money foolishly hoping to get me in trouble with her and tarnish my reputation as a mother... What money, I asked, incredulously? I spent it all on them and my bills, living paycheck to paycheck so they wouldn’t be deprived. And then they stole the rest! 

They make sure that you believe you can trust them. They will wear the false persona of trustworthiness and create in you the belief that they would never betray you or use you in any way. They set the stage for their breach of trust and you don’t find out until the deed is done. They have become your confidant: your most reliable counterpart. They are always there for you, while behind your back they are robbing you blind, financially, emotionally, and spiritually. They are breaking your trust.

My example: My son needed gas to get to work and back. I gave him my credit card to use at the local gas station. I told him to bring it right back after filling up. He did. I believed I could trust him. This happened several more times but then I began to wonder how come he needed so much gas. I was not aware that he was letting his girlfriend use his truck to drive around all day while he was at work and then driving miles to pick him up after he was off work. I gave him the card again but this time he kept it and let his girlfriend run up a tab at the mini mart, allowing her to forge my name on the charge. I was also not aware that he was using drugs and needed gas from me so he could buy drugs with his paycheck.

They keep their victims coming back for more so they can get more. Remember it is a two way street until it’s over and they have gotten away with all of it; money, time, care, adoration. Everything you have to give is now theirs.

BLUE RIBBON STRAWBERRY JAM

About two years before all of the preciously described incidents of betrayal and manipulation had started to show up, I was to be forewarned of unspeakable harmful untruths through a jar of jam. It would be some 30 years before I would unravel how deeply concerning this was and how blind I was to the magnitude of such behaviors. It was something that ran so deep and was so frightening that one would even consider it a curse. There was something in my ex's family line that would bring the best of us to our knees:
Something so secretly sinister that it defied description. This thing was so insidious, something so gradually cunning and crafty that I was pouring my heart, soul, life and spirit into a battle of survival against it; not knowing that I was destined to lose. This was a condition passed down from one generation to another and involved larceny by trickery, theft by false pretenses, lies told simply for the reward from lying itself, sordid motives and bribes and scams and a mob mentality, not to mention addiction and abuse. These in turn would be modeled and given freely to their progeny in order to watch the consequences play out for others. The subversion and secrecy was so veiled that it was impossible to detect what was truly afoot. You would get only pieces of being "had" but never know what was underneath it all. You could know there was a tree of deceit but not the root it grew from.
It was the opening day of the State Fair in late August. We went to the Fair as a family. It had been a wonderful summer. I had spent weeks preparing my entries in baking and canning and my daughter would enter some things I had helped her with in her 4H Group. A lot of the women and girls in our little rural community had entered their favorite and best efforts. I thought this would be a great adventure as well as fun at the fair. I was excited but reserved and I was little giddy inside as I knew I was a part of this event in my own small way. It was a good feeling. We were in public and we would have fun.
As we entered through the gate at the fairgrounds the smells and sounds greeted us. There is an unmistakable atmosphere full of tantalizing aromas and noises at a fair. An orchestra of organ grinder music from the Carnival, together with the shrieks from the rides gave off a jangled harmony of excitement. Carnies invited people to participate by barking "Get your honey a stuffed animal here "Only a dime a throw". The lights from the Ferris wheel twinkled as the chairs rolled round and round in a dizzying display as you looked up at them. Puffs of Cotton candy seemed to be floating like pink clouds in the midst of the patrons. We couldn't wait to see the 3 headed monster in the spook house and giggle at our distorted images in the House of Mirrors. It was silly fun but I loved it. My children being 8 and 10 added to the thrill because they were old enough to really enjoy it. The true joy was seeing through the eyes of a child again. A vicarious moment you might say.
We soon wandered into the Barn that displayed all the entries that had been judged and awarded. It was my turn. I knew there were hundreds of entries in every category so I didn't expect to win but the joy was in participating and exposing my kids to something so big. Maybe I would even get 5th place or honorable mention. I went to see the baked entries first and they were next to my daughters entries so I looked everything over and of course she placed in all she entered. I was so excited for her but she had gone off with her dad to look at my canning exhibits. I went to catch up with them. We met as they were returning to see me and he told me that I hadn't even placed at all. That was hard to believe but I and took it in stride. However, something looked "OFF". There was that inner voice again: "warning, caution, pay attention". My daughter was very quiet almost sullen and she was no longer interested in what she had entered at all. The whole thing had taken a downturn in mood and demeanor and I was trying to keep my anxiety under control while I tried to read between the lines. What was going on?
We wondered off further into the animal barns and my husband was distant and aloof. It was as if the kids were walking on eggshells and I had no idea what had changed the mood so drastically. Hopefully we could enjoy some rides and get something to eat to elevate their spirits.
We left for home…nothing left to see. It was so miserable being married to him, I thought to myself. I am 35 and absolutely miserable. Oh well, there will be other fairs, I decided. This was the day that the seeds of a toxic alliance were planted in earnest right under my nose.
Two weeks later it was time to pick up our entries from the Fair office and claim our prizes and monetary compensations. There it was, in black and white, with a blue ribbon attached to it: my jam had taken 1st place and some other awards as well! I was without a good explanation for this deceit, but the lump in my throat told me that he had taken my ribbons off of the jars when he previewed my entries and my daughter had kept his secret. She knew what he had done and she would never tell on him. How confused she must have been. I decided that I would never let on that I received the ribbon and tell the truth about winning first place with my jam. I put it away and never mentioned it again. I would not engage him over this. It was now obvious that he could not afford for me to ever know my worth. He wanted me to think that I was failure. That would guarantee my dependence on him. How wrong he was.
You know what they say, "Once it is jam it isn't strawberries anymore." Things had changed. I had made validation jam without even knowing it. This jar of red sweetness was very unimpressive just sitting there without a ribbon on it but within it was the secret that the thief thought he had stolen, my SELF.
He didn't know that I knew how twisted he really was and I would get out of this relationship before I would let on about his craziness. The things he had done before this were indicative of a perverse pattern of behavior that I no longer wanted to be around. He had stolen recipes that I had received compliments on. He had dug up flower bulbs that I had planted and when they didn't come up he wanted me to believe that I was an inadequate gardener, he hid things and then blamed me for losing them. Thank God I had been given a strong mind and his games were cataloged in my mind as things to watch out for but never taken on as my true beliefs. This was the turning point, however difficult it was to live with. On this day in September, I promised myself that I would not continue to live like this. I would definitely be divorcing him but it would take a year and half to get that in motion without spilling the beans. It would take 3 years more to actually get a divorce. It was dangerous enough as it was and to divulge my closely guarded secret would bring on a wrath too volatile to survive. I was getting closer to the truth but not close enough. I wouldn't find out that I was dealing with a personality disorder and some form of psychopathy intertwined with Pseudologia Fantastica (Pathological Lying) until it was too late: 3 more decades. I was looking under every rock trying to find out what had happened to my children. The answers were not kind. By this time I had had their backs for 40 years off and on, but eventually forgiveness and empathy would look like stupidity. How many times are you going to let them lie to you and humiliate you before you close your doors?  I had gotten rid of the man who had betrayed me in many ways and many times, I just couldn't find a way to free us from his genetic code. 

"HEY, YOUR SHOES ARE ON BACKWARDS"

Would it surprise you to know that the answer to the question in my last post is: They are most likely a combination of all of these labels in some form or another; each one having a different set or combination of traits and tactics. They walk like phantoms among us appearing to be a regular guy or girl while concealing their true nature from all who know them. What they hide inside of themselves is a raw force: an acquaintance of which you will never forget. I often think of the story of the trickster coyote in Indian Lore. He is said to have put his shoes on backwards so that nobody would know where he was going or where he had been. That way he could hunt his prey without being caught or detected. How like him they are. Of course, coyotes don't wear shoes but they are so Wiley and convincing that you might believe they do. If you would dare to point out to them that their shoes are on backwards they would simply deny having shoes at all or state that you are crazy because coyotes don't wear shoes. If they think it is obvious that they are wearing shoes, they may end the whole conversation by biting you. Their deceptive ways bring them great fortune and gives them many advantages. You, however, will never win. I found my best advantage was to ignore the "shoes" and plan my exit. I took note of the behavior and the deception but gave them no excuse to use it against me.

BY THESE THREE

It seemed never ending. I was being attacked from all sides. My ex-husband was one day hoovering me and the next day punishing me. He was relentless in his obsession:" I love you, come back to me", to "I will get you for this". My daughter was becoming an alcoholic and was his spy or lieutenant, as they call them. She was sneaky and full of rage. My son was a thief and a closet drug addict and con man. Of course, this was all hidden from sight so they could continue their abuse of me undetected. They enjoyed watching me go crazy because I couldn't figure out the plot and put the pieces together. Lies were like a gold currency to them. They rarely if ever told the truth. Pulling one over on me was their best reward.
There were days that I just didn't want to go home from work. As a matter of fact, I would even get sick in the car before I got home. I just didn't know if I could face another day of their cruelties. I never knew what was waiting for me upon my return to our home. It was always chaotic combined with some terrible news or behavior. I was sinking and they were hoping I would: Especially my ex who thought if he made it tough enough on me that I would fold and go back to him. The kids may have thought this very thing also. Nobody knew that my resolve was to never return at any price. Little did I know at the time that they were the price. It had been too terrible to repeat. I despised him and for good reason. I guess he thought otherwise and figured that he was irresistible. He thought wrong. He repulsed me. I did not miss anything about him. This only reinforced his rage and his continued obsession with me until the day he died some 15 years later.
One spring morning my walking buddy and I had decided to walk in the early morning because we both had work duties that would interfere with our usual evening walk. She called that morning to confirm and we set out for our exercise. As we turned the last corner on our journey my ex came up behind us in his car. He was following us home. My friend looked at me and asked me if he was ever going to leave me alone. She didn't know the half of it. I was wondering just how he knew that this is where I would be at this time. Only three people knew that I would be walking at this early hour; me, my friend and my daughter. I began to lose trust. I was alerted to the fact that he always knew more than he should about me but to accuse my daughter of a betrayal of this magnitude was hard to do without actual proof. My own child???? Heaven forbid. Things started to fall in that direction no matter how hard I fought against it. 
On another morning when I had agreed to take her and her friend to school, I went out to find her and her friend standing by the car. They had obviously let the air out of my tires. The look of guilt on their faces was a give -away. I had an air can in my trunk and I fixed the problem. Whatever they had planned was no longer in play. But that didn't stop my daughter.
The next one was a biggie. I had a boyfriend, nothing serious but we did spend time together on weekends. He offered to take us to breakfast on one Sunday morning and we asked my daughter if she wanted to go with us. She accepted but had to go get ready in her room, he said he had to stop at the bank so she needed to hurry. When we arrived at the bank auto-teller there sat my ex waiting for us. I knew she had called him when she went back to her room. I kept still about it but I was mulling it over trying to figure out what to do. I had never dealt with this kind of skullduggery.
Meanwhile my son was acting like a hooligan and his new friends bothered me greatly. He was unruly in my absence but generally cooperative around me. I was trying to figure out if he was into drugs because his demeanor had changed so much but I could never find anything except my own weariness and suspicions to pin it to. If anyone knew of his delinquent behavior they weren't talking. I had this terrible feeling that I was being over-run in my own home. The loyalty that I had counted on from them was not there. They were old enough to understand who their father was and to be supportive of the woman who was supporting them but they refused to participate with me. I never dreamed I needed a babysitter for a 12 and 14 year old. I had stayed home at that age while my mom worked and never sought to betray her or malign her. It was awful.
My mother offered to buy my son a dirt bike so he could be like his friends. I thought it was wonderful and my son acted very grateful. Within a month we came home and the bike was gone. It was parked in our front yard and all but disappeared into thin air. He told me it was stolen and I could not for the life of me pick up on it. I would find out some 20 years later that he had actually sold it for the money and we were none the wiser. This was not the only thing that had disappeared over the years. My grandmother's wedding ring was missing, checks from the check drawer were missing, food was missing and given to some juvie delinquent down the street, my more fashionable clothes were missing; anything that was not nailed down was destined to disappear. Both kids were looting my house for anything of value to them. I was saddened. These were definitely more than some mischievous pranks. My son had turned duplicitous and had only acted like my loyal son for most of those years. He actually was two people, pretending to be trustworthy and to have feelings but behaving in a way that was absolutely in direct contradiction of these traits. How and when had things gone so terribly wrong? I was now strapped to three people whose defiance and misconduct was tearing our lives apart at the seams. What was worse was that they were enjoying it and would never consider stopping it. They were addicted to anything that would cause my demise. They were getting a high off of the experiences they were causing. While I was frantically trying to get them to make different choices they were bound and determined to emulate their father. They thought that their dad's power, greed, hostility and freedom from responsibility were to be admired. They thought my endeavors and patience showed weakness. They thought I was a fool.
The betrayals became bolder and bored deeper into my psyche. My ex kept breaking into my house while we were gone. I heard he had said he was going to burn us out. After these increasing threats to our safety, I had to take extra precautions over his invasions. I would stay awake all night sitting in darkness and watching my children and the house in case my ex would make good on his threats. I would sleep for a couple of hours before I had to get ready for work. I was exhausted but I didn't have a choice. We really were in danger from someone who didn't have control of himself. Something might tip his balance and he would be driven to the worst possible solution to his problems.
Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I drove up the driveway after work and saw the neighbor man standing in my front yard. He said he heard a gun-shot coming from my barn. My ex had been holding my son hostage in the barn but let him go as soon as I pulled up. I called the police and my son and I had to follow up with a prosecuting attorney. My son wouldn't talk and the case was dropped. What they weren't telling me was that my son had compromised his dad's equipment that was in the barn and my ex caught him. My ex really wasn't supposed to have left anything on the premises after the divorce but this was overlooked by the prosecutor since my son took out his frustrations on him in that way. My ex's lawyer said he could help him stay out of jail for a fee of $5,000 dollars. As soon as my ex was off the hook nothing could stop him from driving up in my yard, doing whatever he wanted to and pushing everything to the absolute limit. Harassment was a "go" word and there wasn't a day of peace after that. He gave my daughter a key to his house that she could use anytime she wanted to. Since he had managed to buy a house only a few blocks from the high school she could take complete advantage of this offer of freedom. She would take the bus into school, get off, and walk to her dad's house and chill alone or with her friends. He had convinced her that she didn't need an education because she would only end up like me, a poor collage educated idiot. I called him on this one, telling him to take back the key, but he only laughed and claimed her as his daughter in his likeness. Luckily, a mother of one of her friend's called the school and reported that her daughter was hanging out at his house and that ended that.
My daughter thought she was the queen of the household and tripped me up in every way possible. She thought she was in charge now and nothing would get by her. One day I spoke to my son about getting our fireplace insert out of the barn where my ex had stored it. I asked him if he and his friends could haul it up to the house so I could put it back in. It was getting cold and I wanted to get more heat in the house.
The boys hauled it up to patio. All of a sudden I heard some loud shouting outside and when I looked my ex was standing near the insert yelling at the kids to put it in his car. His car was in my back yard! This was the last straw, I looked at my daughter and she lied straight to my face. She said the guy who was going to reinstall the insert told her dad about it. I knew she had done it. She was not fooling me. She had torn us apart. I would play along for a long while but I knew she had a misguided soul. She had betrayed both my son and me and had intended to do it. She reported our every move back to her dad for something she wanted in return. Three months after her 18th birthday, I told her since she was continuing to play this game, I thought it would be best if she would go live with her father. She did, but it went over like a screen door on a submarine with her father. It proved one thing to me though, he wanted to use her for his malicious acts but he didn't want to raise her or provide for her in that way. She might cramp his style. He called me right away and threatened me. He said I had to pay him child support. I said NO and so he called the county and told them some lies about my property. Although, I was investigated on his false charges, I really didn't care. Funny, my daughter never figured out that sheltering her in his house was not in his plan. Through her brainwashed boozed up brain she clung to his power switch as her life line. In 3 more months she would be back living with me. I was hoping she had seen the light but that would never be. It was broken between us. I couldn't trust her. She was a dyed in the wool dangerous little narc. I wouldn't be sure until after my ex died. The only way I knew this was that her contemptable treatment of me and her malicious lies and gossip about me continued past his death. She was responsible for her own acts now. He wasn't forcing her any longer, if he ever had.
What was this phenomenon that blew through my home bringing a hurricane of violence and menacing to the extreme? Was it psychopathy or parental alienation? Was it inherited or nurtured? Was it delinquency or DNA? Was it forced or welcomed? Who were these three who hunted, persecuted and haunted me? Who were these three that saw me as a delicacy just waiting to be devoured by their insatiable insanity? 

UNDERMINING

Right away my ex began his crusade to play on my emotions to get me back. He sent big bouquet of roses to my office which I either gave away or tossed in the dumpster. He called to plead that he was a pitiful victim and "what was I trying to do kill him?" My counselor had forewarned me about this and cautioned me not to talk to him or agree to discuss any issues with him because he would misinterpret them to mean that I wanted reconciliation. Either that or he would get angry with my answers, so I just said I can't talk right now and hung up every time he called. This provoked nuisance calling all night long and into the early morning. I finally unplugged the phone when we went to bed. I must have changed my phone number a dozen times over the next eight years until I gave up. Eventually he was so disturbed by the rejection that he adopted punishing and terrorizing me as his only option. How did he figure that I was hurting him when he was the one that dished out every kind of rejection toward me for 17 years? Did he not remember his cocky self, ruler of the roost diatribes, not to mentions his violence against me?
My parents had come over for the weekend of my dad's birthday to help me with the repairs I needed to do on the house. It was a hard trip for my dad because of his stroke but he tried. My mom was exhausted but she knew I needed support and some carpentry skills that my dad had so she drove him over. We were sitting in the living room when my ex pulled up in a rage and his headlights were right up to picture window. Mom and I froze for a minute because we weren't quite sure what to expect. Was he going to crash through the window and try to hurt us? My daughter immediately jumped up displaying an attempt to save the day. She was headed outside when I told her, "Stop "No, You can't go out there!" She ignored my warning with a defiant stance that I hadn't seen before. She was taking control of this whether I liked it or not. This was my clue that there was a hidden agenda between them but I was too startled to really grasp that he was indoctrinating her and she was a willing participant in my overthrow as her mother. This was a curve ball I hadn't considered. She strutted back into the house with the arrogance of a conqueror while he drove off. Mom and I looked at each other in disbelief while she smugly disappeared into her bedroom. I was hurt and angry and I had been devalued and humiliated right in front of my parents. She and her father would double team me from this day forward and would add my son to the mix in a rather obtuse way. His vague and non- conformist ways, which would escalate into delinquency and dodgy behaviors, made him the perfect scapegoat. I was the perfect target. My daughter was the perfect pawn. The two of them together(my ex and my daughter), however, were nature's perfect match for a demented duo of hate and dominance. Why me, why her brother and his son, what did we have that they wanted so desperately to destroy? I wouldn't be able to answer this for years to come and never fully, much to my disappointment. My semi conclusion was that he was playing a game of keep-away. He had to keep me away from anyone or anything that made me happy, He had to keep me away from my children. To achieve this he had to undermine me and mislead and confuse the children. High levels of undermining would carry with it low levels of support from family members and directly impact my ability to cope.  If he could make them believe that I was not who they had believed I was, I would lose my credibility as their mother, nurturer and provider. There would be no healthy close family relationships for any of us to fall back on. This tactic would ensure his victimization of all three of us, as a group and as individuals. He would continue this approach for years. He was obsessed with the need to defile. These attacks escalated in their degree of harm. Would we survive?

THE SCHEMES AND THINGS

In the final divorce I was awarded full custody of the children, the house and all costs of raising the children like medical and dental despite the fact that he had good union coverage for them He was to pay child support and take weekend visits every other weekend, which he did not show up for. . He said and I quote"I am not going to be her weekend babysitter". I really didn't care because I felt it was better if they didn't see him. I certainly didn't force this issue. I was a 24/7 mom and again he did whatever he wanted.
I didn't want him nor did I need him. He, however, needed me and that angered him the most. It really got under his skin to think that he needed me and was grieving the loss of me. He was mad at himself for ever needing a woman: It fueled his rage to the point that he decided that if he couldn't have me he would destroy me. We must never confuse his need with love. It had nothing to do with love. It had everything to do with not losing. He had to win at any cost. His insatiable ego wouldn't tolerate anything else. He was willing to destroy the very thing he wanted because he couldn't have it. This would be his motivating principle for the next 14 years. The most important thing on his agenda was to turn my children against me even though I was the one responsible for raising them. He relished the idea of this twisted sense of punishment. The misfortunes I suffered at his hands were the antidotes that soothed his miseries. He resorted to harassment, stalking, smear campaigns, threatening and intimidation and exhaustive phone calls and spy games coupled with Parental Alienation. This was one of the longest sieges of cruelty I had ever endured other than my marriage. I consoled myself with the fact that at least I didn't have to live with him anymore. This was a hideous attack on me and I was getting sick from the constant torment. The tragedy within it was a loss of trust which in some cases was never to be restored. 
It was here that he started his:


SECRET SPY SCHOOL
And his first inductee was my daughter. While enrolled here she would learn the rules of a toxic alliance. She would be drawn into his hidden spy games while he played on her craving for special attention and admiration. He lured her into his web of lies and deceit with promises of money, gifts, freedom from rules and inclusion into his adult world by placing her on a pedestal. He would instill in her a need to be his "one and only" now and my replacement. She would begin to lead a double life, living with me as my child and reporting to him as his "special" agent. She would parrot his words as her own and deploy her charm on the unsuspecting as a weapon. She would learn to deceive people with a smile and to be a convincing liar at a tender age. At first she would pretend to admire me while she stabbed me in the back for the sake of his approval.  She would learn to play people off against each other and had no loyalty but to him. I have no doubt that she also reported on her brother to get him in trouble. I suspect this, in turn, contributed to his addiction and lying to save himself. (This is a reason not an excuse) We had a traitor in our midst and we didn't have a clue for the longest time. We lived in fear of his reprisals from her betrayals. It was no surprise when I caught her drinking, I am sure the drinking was to alleviate the painful realization of her two faced, false persona. She was pretending to be what she wasn't and he was willing to sacrifice her for his selfish need to be in control. She lost her real self as she creatively developed this impersonation of me in order to gain favor with him.
After a time she became hostile and defiant. She would behave in ways that made me think she hated me. The person she replaced was him. She became him in our household: The bully, the tyrant, the selfish thief, the belittler, the disrespectful show off, an incorrigible dependent who intended to rule the house and everyone in it. She observed no rules and listened to no one. She told everyone off if they corrected her. She would demand to get what she wanted. She had no fear of consequences because she was he daddy's favorite and he would protect her no matter what she did: Except for the fact that he really didn't step up for her.
She began to really enjoy this new found power and she advanced her game steadily over time. It was an exciting adventure into the dark world of the sly of heart. She not only provided him with information, she looked for ways to get juicy tidbits about my life in order to sustain her place in his life. She interfered with my relationships male and female, she would take my personal belongings and keep them, she would go from house to house telling stories about me to the neighbors and friends, building herself up as the victim of a negligent mother. She would listen in on my phone calls and tell him my plans. She snooped in my dresser drawers and personal space to see what she could find out and pass on. She would report if I had paid a bill or not. She skipped school repeatedly knowing that I wouldn't catch her until the damage was done because I worked full time. She tried to convince my mother that she was more worthy of her love than I was. She inserted herself in every aspect of my life and she truly believed she was winning. Nothing was sacred or private. She thought I didn't notice when she took things and then put them back later after she was finished sharing them or using them to her advantage. 
She didn't stop to consider that I had stopped believing her and started to see that this wasn't ordinary teenage rebellion, it was downright a malign behavior desirous of my complete destruction. She didn't want me around, I was in the way. If she couldn't get rid of me she would at least enjoy the tell-tale signs of my distress. Perhaps she knew deep down that she hadn't replaced me in her father's eyes and she was only being used as his tool to try to get me back and to gain inside dirt on her brother and me. Rejecting the obvious, she continued her hate campaign and sadistic enjoyment of my compromising situation. I was her custodial parent and was responsible for raising her even if she treated me in the most terrible of ways. She thought it was funny that I was forced to become a battered parent. 
The natural course of the Electra complex had been interrupted when he exploited her for his own use. At a certain stage of her development she should have switched from "daddy adoration" (competition with mommy for daddy's attention) to mommy emulation but that didn't happen because of his psychopathology and Parental Alienation. The bond was broken and she was the worst off for it. There was no chance of regaining trust and even if there had been she wouldn't have been able to overcome the obstacles to attain it because of her damaged self. I was powerless to stop what had been put in motion. She had actually betrayed herself and so evolved another dangerous narcissistic psychopath with an injured core.
In the next post we will reexamine the Invisible Spyglass (available in the archives of this blog) in detail and the ways in which this Spy game unfolded.