So in 2014 when one of my son's very angry girlfriends didn't mind telling me the truth about him (that truth that nobody else would ever tell me) that I began my journey of recovery and detachment from their malignancy of hate. I had to face some horrible truths about them and I had to harden my heart against them. My creator would not want me to devalue my life for theirs, I am sure of that.
Forgiveness is now left up to God because every time I reached out with compassion and love and forgiveness they took advantage and used it to further their contemptuous advantages over me. "Sorry "can never be enough and neither can "please forgive me" because repentance and amends have not been given. I don't think there is anything they can do to erase the malice that they intended. Breaking trust is the straw that just hurts too much, leaving reconciliation out of the question. Forgiveness is too much to ask for and so forgiveness is now reserved for myself. I forgive myself for staying too long in a marriage that damaged everyone it touched. I forgive myself for marrying him in the first place. May God forgive me, also. I believed I was doing the right thing by keeping the family together and standing up as a *Stoic Force amidst the chaos and degradation. I had no idea that I was trying to make a family by myself while evil was working against it.
*Stoic forces = wisdom, morality, courage, and moderation
There was a time that I doubted the existence of evil in my life; I thought it was like Cain and Abel or Hitler in Nazi Germany or Pol Pot or al-Qaeda or the butcher of Bagdad. Evil is not always so out in the open or identifiable. It creeps into your life wearing a disguise and now I know its disguises. It is underhanded and sneaky. It presents as a victim or a lover or a cause. It is always right. It has many faces each one for a different purpose: the main one is to obliterate or cripple you and take whatever is left for themselves. I stared it in the face for years. It is definitely frightening and can drain the life out of you. It is something that is hard to define and recognize until it has captured you, put its claws into you, and starts to rip away at your life force. Then you will know it and you will never doubt it again.
2014 was also the years that I landed on the Psychiatrists couch, thank heavens! I am forever grateful to this kind physician who walked me through this. After the girlfriend had told me that addiction to methamphetamines was an issue with my son along with lying constantly and stealing and emotional cruelty, I fell into shock. The fact that my daughter was supporting her brother's newer relationship and admitting that she was glad he had come to her when I rejected him further alarmed me. I had to see someone about this. I decided to tell the Dr. all of the examples of what I had been through with my family for years. In one sentence he solved the mystery. He told me that all three of them were psychopaths. I was relieved that I wasn't crazy but I didn't know it would take a few more years to fully accept that diagnosis. That was a hard pill to swallow after all the love and dedication I had poured into these people. How could I have missed this? Well, I didn't miss it; I felt every blow and brow beating. I was just afraid to call it what it was for fear of mis-judging someone, especially my children. When children cross the line into adulthood carrying these traits with them, they are no longer children, They are adults with an incurable disorder: INCURABLE being the key word here. Love, compassion, forgiveness and understanding and mercy will never bring about the desired outcome. Neither will reasoning, common sense, correction or punishment or well intention consequences. They are immune to these restraints. They can't recognize or decipher the need to adapt and change. They only value reward and will use any means to get it. This is a hard acceptance for the parent since we know if we want the best for them we cannot reward bad behavior.
Catch 22
Stay tuned for my next post Fading Out
2 comments:
I'm struggling with this. When an adult child turns to a sibling for supply - the parent left out of the loop, of course - then depends on that sibling for guidance throughout the addiction, even as to how to get sober; then the sibling keeping the secret explains to the parent (who is the object of the adult child's wrath) not to take it personally because the adult child has been an addict, then that sibling tells the parent to keep it a deep, dark secret so the addict doesn't turn against the sibling who thinks they're the keeper of the addict, that is incredibly toxic. The parent wants to reach out to their adult child, but doesn't. Finally, the parent confides the concern to another family member - the secret's out and the cards fall down. My take is the addicted adult child should never have put such a burden on the sibling in the first place. Family should know when a member is addicted and pull together to help, if they can, or hold the addict responsible for their own choices. What do you think?
The painful truth about this is that no one can fix addict but the addict himself, when he is in into addiction he himself has to get to the point where he will do anything to get better, unfortunately many addicts have found a way to exist in spite of their addiction. They either lean on family who get drained from the problems or they live in the street which is all too common these days. You mentioned that the family should get together and take care of the problem, I do believe that most families try for quite a while exerting themselves Beyond what they can cope with and do but there is a Breaking Point and like I said it shouldn't fall on the Family shoulders. It is the addicts problem and the addict needs to fix it. When life gets unbearable usually people usually do something about it, change course for instance but in the case of an addict their brain and their need for the substance supersedes any course Corrections. I wish you well, I know it is hard.
Clarity
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