THE BULL IN THE CHINA SHOP

Monday is a good start. I went back to my attorney to file for divorce. I had the money for my retainer and the strength of my convictions. I held to my beliefs that exposing him for what he had done to me during our marriage was the wrong tactic to use in order to get out safely. I know that many in authority or as advocates for abused women would disagree with me but I knew my husband and to criticize him openly would bring the harsh consequences of narcissistic rage. He had shown me over the years just how far he would go if exposed or confronted and I wasn't about to tempt fate. Remember, too, that this was a time when police and legal authorities professed to the allegiance of the good old boys club. They would "go easy on the guy" after all he's one of us. I trusted that bit of information and continued to doubt that they would help me. I could trust only my own experience and that told me to never to reject him; to make him look bad in front of others would be a fatal mistake.  So I filed a no fault divorce and said nothing further about my reasons for seeking a divorce. I refused to give him ammunition to use against me or twist to his own advantage. All information to an abuser is fair game for lies and manipulations. Just keep quiet and proceed. Justice is unlikely to prevail against a dangerous narcissist and you could be the one hanging at the end of a rope designed to thwart your attempt to leave him. After 17 years with him I was fully aware of his vindictive nature. After reaching his boiling point, he was beyond reason.  I refused to go there.
We were going on 6 weeks at our safe house. I never thought it would take this long. My daughter who was 11 at the time had secretly given him the phone number of where we were staying.  So he started calling there. I was shocked but I spoke with him to try and diffuse the situation around the people who had opened their home to me. He was trying to tempt me back home with trying to make me aware of what I would be losing if I left. He said " you know , if I take all the furniture in the family room, the kids and you will not have a TV" I told him I didn't think anyone died of not having a TV. His response was," OK then I'm taking it" and he hung up. If he had really cared for his children like he claimed, he would have left the TV for them and bought a new for himself. For me, it was one hurdle down but a lingering disappointment that my daughter had crossed a line and jeopardized our safety. I tried to accept that she had been tricked into giving it to him because she obviously wasn't as good at deciphering manipulation tactics. My son had also been displaying some defiant behaviors that were really out of character for him. I was shocked at some of the things he was doing. What was going on here? Perhaps it was the very idea of a divorce and not being in their own home. They certainly were not acting like grateful guests. I encouraged myself with the thought that once we got back home everything would be better. Patience.
It was time for the Deposition or Pretrial discovery, which would be held at my attorney's office and would be recorded by a court reporter. With the usual name address and phone out of the way we advanced to the mediation and divorce.
And then he started. His attorney proposed that I give him half of the property for his residence (which he would build). I said absolutely not I was not living next door to him for any reason. If they insisted on doing that I wanted to sell the whole thing, house and all, and split the difference. They backed down. Then he accused me of taking some trees he had bought or planted down in the lower property. I thought here we go a downright lie to put me in a bad light. Trees???, I said, exclaiming that I knew nothing about any trees. I was getting angry with his attempt to lie. In trying to control myself I said "if there were any trees I don't know anything about what happened to them, maybe the horse ate them!" The entire room started laughing. It was over. His dishonesty had betrayed him.
We would soon be taking occupancy of our home and he would be compelled to move out. The actual divorce would take six months to complete.
Moving back in would take my breath away. He had absolutely had a fit of rage in there, taking everything that wasn't nailed down and destroying things in his way. WOW! I wasn't ready for this. There I go again, thinking that he would be fair and play by the rules. Of course he didn't. He expected that I would follow the ruling of the courts and be bound by an agreement but he definitely didn't have to comply because he was entitled to do bad things against me because he was absolved of integrity by evil design. He had a right to be mad and act on that anger in any way he saw fit. He refused to see himself as an aggressor or a monster or an abuser or a selfish brat who never grew up. In his efforts to reduce me to ruins, he had taken the fireplace insert out of the wall (all 500 pounds of it), he had broken the vacuum cleaner so it was inoperable. All of the furniture in the family room was gone which we had agreed to. He also took all of the silverware, the coffee pot, some dishes and my favorite pots and pans. Everywhere I looked there was nothing to cook with. He had stolen my grandmother's things that I had inherited and I never saw them again. One of the most uncomfortable destruction's he took was to cut a hole in the door jamb so we couldn't lock our doors against him. It was an aluminum door jamb for a slider and I truly did not know how to fix that. We would have to use a bar guard for the time being. When I dared to look in the bathroom even the shampoo was gone. We had one towel left for three people and the shower curtain was ripped down. My kids looked at me in disbelief, as if I had caused this. I had to pull myself together and be brave in face of his rebellion. Well, there are always second hand stores until we get better. My counselor asked me what I would do about such a large property, how would I take care of it She asked? Since I was fully aware that he had taken the lawn mower, I told her I would wait for the snow to cover it up: Never mind that it was still summer. 
He had declared war and revealed his hand, we were not safe and, if he had his way, we would never be. I refused to crumble, I was out and I was staying out.

THE PLAN IN ACTION

The world was spinning faster and faster as I prepared to leave. I did find full time employment, and I did start to save a little money on the side in a secret bank account. I was continuing with my counseling and I still maintained my long distance friendship. I had lined up a place for my children and I to stay when I left. She was the sister of a friend who agreed to take me in.
In the meantime he was becoming more concerned with my new job and my distance from him. Dirty tricks were afoot.  It was mother's day and I wanted to send my mom some flowers because I wouldn't be able to take the weekend to see her. I called the florist, put it on my credit card and really???? They told me my name was no longer on that card. Well OK. What a jerk. I was leaving and this would not change my mind, as a matter of fact, it only heightened my need to get out of there and away from his hatred and double dealing. My mom would never know that I had tried but I called her instead and made the best of a bad situation. If I thought this was sneaky I was thoroughly dumbfounded by the audacity of the next one. One day at work I kept getting this uneasy message that I should go home on my lunch hour. It was purely invisible and out of the blue but a sixth sense message that something was out of bounds and I should trust my gut and go home. It would take me my entire lunch time to drive there and back again but I heeded the call. I arrived home and everything looked fine on the outside. Nobody was home and so I went in. On the table, in plain sight, was all his paper work and a filing box. When I looked more closely at it, I was in for a big surprise. He had taken all the money out of our savings account and had put in his Union account that he had just opened. Every last dime! I copied down the account number and left everything the way it was and returned to work. Then I called the Union hall and transferred ½ the money back into the joint account in both of our names. That way they wouldn't question the transfer. Then I drew it out that evening on my way home before he knew about it. When I did come home after work everything had disappeared and the table was clear of any hint of what he had done that day. He was sitting there as if nothing had happened, probably gloating to himself about what he had just pulled off. What a devious game he had implemented and I had to stoop to that level to get some fairness out of the deal. It was definitely over. I was done. I was simply waiting for my chance.
It was the last day of school before summer break. The kids were excited and were getting ready for their end of school year sleep over parties. They were both being picked up by their separate groups and would be gone until the next day. About that time my husband walked in and was on a rampage. He grabbed my son, pinned him up against the wall and was threatening him about some stuff that I knew nothing about. He didn't get very far because my sons ride drove up and my husband didn't want to be exposed for what he was so he let him go. With both kids out of the house now, he was strutting around looking for someone on whom to unleash his unresolved rage and he looked at me with contempt in his eyes. I was next and I knew it. He went down into the bathroom and I heard the shower turn on. He often showered right away to clean up after a dirty job. As soon as I heard that running water, I quietly stood up, got my purse car keys and phone book and drove away: Down the driveway and out of sight, hopefully forever. What a freeing feeling. I went over to a friend's house. To tell the truth, I was like a deer in the headlights. I almost didn't believe what I had just done.
Later that evening, the conscience of moral dilemma was dancing in my head. Maybe I should explain to him that I was leaving and why. So I went to my car and drove back home for a final parting. But when I got there the house was eerily dark. Since we lived out in a rural area 400 feet of the road, if our lights were off, It was really dark, BLACKOUT dark. The house was never that dark, that early. It was super alarming. I went to the front door and even the screen door was locked, then I tried the garage door locked and bolted, side door the same and then I approached the patio slider as I reached for it I heard that still small voice warning me that, "if I opened that door he would be sitting there in the dark with a shot gun waiting to blow me away and call it an intruder situation." What was I thinking? Why did I think it was necessary to treat him fairly after all he had done to me? I backed way and ran for my car. I drove off into the night, never to return. I was in a euphoric state as I returned to my friend's house. I had actually escaped with my life and my kids were safe. My friends' would pick them up for me tomorrow and the three of us would head for my safe place.

THE FALTERING

Depression set in. I felt weak and dejected. I had nothing but myself to sustain me. I was starving to death emotionally. In spite of counseling his disregard for me was leaving me completely deficient and wanting. I was wasting away here and nobody noticed. I felt my spirit withering away. I was         longing for attention, nurturing and hungering for that joie de vivre that makes life worth living.  He had absolutely sucked the life out of me and he took pleasure in doing it. If it were up to him I would become an empty vessel while he took my life for himself. I didn't matter. He was a nothing wrapped in the human persona. He had bones, skin hair, teeth and he looked like a person but he lacked the emotional morality of an inner life. Without that inner life there is no person: only a shell with the appearance of a person. "Looks can be deceiving" and they were. It took years for me to discover that he had no inner life and he sought to take mine in an attempt to make up for it. No wonder I was so miserable.
Every time he did something crazy I lost more ground. One evening after everyone was asleep I finally took my bath and decided to read for a while before bed. I propped myself up against the arm of the couch, put my feet up, and started to read in a reclining position. It was calm and quiet and I was enjoying the relaxation. My eyes wandered off the page of the book and I could see my husband's reflection in the dining room window. He was spying on me from the kitchen doorway. My heart jumped and a feeling of terror crawled into my space. It was so creepy. I was living with a voyeur. I nonchalantly got up as if I was going to get something from the kitchen and he immediately sneaked away back into the bedroom. I sat there in disgust. How could I live like this? As I sat, shaken by being peeped on, I tried to contemplate some alternatives. I didn't feel safe in my own home. His sneaky behavior made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
 I would do the previously unthinkable. I would call an old friend. Not just any old friend but an old high school love and male friend. I needed to feel alive and I was hoping he could bring something back that I had lost 15 years ago when I married.  I wrestled with this decision for days because I had standards and I had never crossed that line for any reason. It is funny what you will do if you think you are dying and you need a way to save your life. My intention was not to start an affair but to get some insight from a man that I knew. He fed me from a distance. We talked and wrote letters. I refused to see him; that was where I drew the line. We both understood that we really didn't know each other after being apart for this long. You know, it did wonders for my soul. I felt alive again and although I knew others might pass judgement on me for it, I would do it again. Nobody had the right to attack my reputation without considering that this decision was based on survival. It was a necessary step in fulfilling the psychological and emotional needs of my life. They hadn't lived what I had lived and until they walked in my shoes they couldn't form a just opinion. This friendship saved me from despair. It brought me back enough to find healing. Honoring the rules of commitment to my own detriment would have been a type of suicide. This was never an act made without deep evaluation and discernment. A moral choice in favor of yourself also contains within it a moral dilemma and it is never easy. If it is easy, you haven't weighed the consequences either for or against it.
  I began to find my latent courage. This instilled in me the willingness to have a backbone. I began to know my value. I saw hope for a different future, one without constant denigration. I was making plans for a divorce and way out. His threats were no longer so harmful to me. Anything he said to threaten me or disarm me was all the more reason for me to persist. When he was trying to threaten me into submission he would forecast my lack of options without cause. He would say that I would never get the house if I divorced him but I didn't care anymore. When he said I would leave with nothing just the way I came into this marriage, I told him he had a short memory because I was the one who brought everything into the household. When he said I was a college educated idiot, I told him that this was his opinion. Nothing he threw at me could alter my course. Material goods could not make me live a life of "soul poverty" with him any longer. The good part of this was finding that there were men out there who did have depth and empathy (in varying degrees of course) and that I could certainly do better for myself and my children if I chose to. Maybe I would choose to simply be alone. Anything would be better than what I had.
I decided that the part- time job I had would not support a family so I began a search for full time employment. I was now laying the ground work for a better tomorrow, one step at a time. While I was making plans I had to wait for the right opportunity to leave. It had to be a safe move. I had to protect our lives by being patient. Just a little bit longer now.

TOO MANY HATS TO WEAR

It was time for parent-teacher conferences. The agreement was that my husband would be home to watch the children in time for my appointment with the teacher. He preferred not to attend these things anyway so I would represent the family.
I was getting ready to leave when there was a knock on the door. It was a salesman who just wanted a "minute of my time" to sell us some TV add on. I told him I really didn't have much time but Ok. I was getting anxious. My husband hadn't showed up yet and we were discouraged from bringing our children to the conferences. Finally, my husband arrived just as the salesman was leaving. Immediately he went into his anger and accused me of having an affair. He was intimidating and hostile and drunk. I simply had to leave. The kids pulled me aside and asked me not to leave them with him tonight. I agreed and told them to get their jackets and I would take them with me. On the way to the school we made a plan that they would play on the swings near the classroom and they were to stay together and not leave that area until I came to get them.  They were also instructed that if they were in danger for any reason they should come to the classroom where I was. It should be only 15 minutes which an 8 and 10 year old should be able to do. When I came back after the conference they were doing exactly what I told them to do. I was proud of us for doing what we needed to do. We were a team. We left for home. By that time my husband was passed out drunk and asleep. I got the kids ready for bed. I was relieved that we didn't come home to an argument or assault. Since I had lived with drunkenness and the irresponsibility of my father when I was growing up, I thought my children would be able to cope as I had. The love of my mother got me through and my love would pull them through. I couldn't have been more wrong. My father, although an alcoholic, was not a narcissistic psychopath like my husband, and therein was the difference unrecognized.
After a 4 month hospital stay my dad had come home and transferred to a hospital nearer to me. I was the contact now for this stage of his treatment and I went every other day or so to check on him and relate his progress to my mother. It was so difficult because the drive was about 30 miles one way and it was usually after work. I would get dinner ready and then leave to take care of my dad. The kids were left with their father but I didn't see any signs of problems during that time. Common sense should have told me that was a fairy tale but I had so much on my plate that some things just weren't' in focus. Looking back, I am convinced that he used this time to disparage me to them. Why else would he be so easy to get along with about my leaving him with the children? He was always so opposed to taking care of them for any reason because he thought I was shirking my duties if I left them.
A call came in to my work. My father had had a seizure and was in intensive care. The staff told me to go and that they had me covered. I ran home and got the kids lined up with friends and left for the hospital. I was sure he was dying. I called my mom. She needed to be there, now! She drove over. He eventually recovered but I was feeling drained. A job, a family, my parents, an uncooperative husband and no way out was taking its toll. I told my husband that I was getting off this merry-go-round and he started acting defensively hostile. That confession was a big mistake. 
I had a talk with my mother and I told her that we needed to make different arrangements for dad as they didn't seem to be paying good attention to him at this hospital. They seemed to keep him overly medicated. I felt like he had been warehoused there. She made the decision to take him to a convalescent center in their home town. This was a heart wrenching time. We continued to face adversity and unrest. Everything would be different now. No matter what we did we couldn't turn back the hands of time and erase the consequences of a lifetime of severe alcoholism; not only on the alcoholic but on all the lives he touched. There was a price to pay and we would all pay it in our own way. Even though we knew the odds were against us, hopes ran high for a cure and a return to sanity, or at least to a new normal. There was a lesson in this for me about the devastating effects of substance abuse on an enabler and co- dependents. The love lost on an addict is love lost: they simply cannot return it. You are left with a hole in your heart that you must fill on your own. I watched my mother suffer the truth of this. I wasn't far behind. It would take me most of my life to heed it.
With my plans for escape being derailed, I had to think fast. In order to go to counseling I used the excuse that my dad's illness was overwhelming for me and so my husband didn't suspect that it was actually my relationship with him that was the catalyst for therapy. I needed to regain some strength.

GATHERING EVIDENCE AND INFORMATION

I was still working every other weekend at the clinic, fulfilling my duties at home and biding my time until I could make some headway out of the marriage. It felt like I was paddling a row boat that was tied up to a dock. I was working hard but not going anywhere. The strife was getting harder to bear. He was back to his old self with rage attacks and drunkenness and the old "you can't tell me what to do and who to hang out with" routines. I was so beyond that that I didn't pay much attention any more. As far as I was concerned, he could go anywhere he wanted to with whomever he wanted to and it would no longer ruffle my feathers. As a matter of fact, I welcomed the times he was at a distance.
I guess he didn't like that I wasn't bothered by his behaviors and that fueled his rage. He started pointing his finger into my chest and annihilating me with verbal threats. Before I knew it I was on the floor with him straddling me to hold me down. Then his hand encircled my neck and I knew I was going to die. I quietly made my peace with God and waited for my last breath. Then there was a voice in my head telling me to relax. "Just relax", I heard, over and over. My head was turned to the side but I was pinned down and couldn't move or fight. This was the end I was sure. With his thumb on my larynx and his fingers pressing on my neck he forcefully pushed down while I relaxed. All of a sudden I heard a SNAP and I thought maybe I would die soon or I would find out that he had he had broken my neck. No, HE was screaming in pain as he released his hold on me. He had broken his thumb. Since I hadn't resisted, the force of the floor against his force ended up causing him an injury. It was over. He ran into the other room and I stood up gasping to breathe again. Predictably, calm followed panic and life went on. That scene, however, still plays in my head today.
It is now December and time for the Clinic's office Christmas Party. My friend and I made plans to drive there together and so I picked her up that evening. On the way she gave me some highly sensitive information. She told me that my husband had tried to rape her and how absolutely terrifying it was. My hands gripped the steering and wheel and I wondered if I should pull over considering how shocked I was. I wasn't really shocked about the rape attempt considering all the times I had been warned about this stuff before but I was horrified that he had done that to my friend. I told her I was so sorry and I asked her when this had happened. When she told me the date I knew it was at the time we had found that fighting cock in our pasture (her husband had put it there). It was also the time that my husband was hell bent on getting a rototiller to make a garden. He spent so much time working on it that I had even asked myself what he had done now to engage in such a penance. I always knew when something was up, I just didn't know what the offence was until later. I will always thank her for the courage to tell me. We went on to the Christmas party together and found a way to have fun. All bets were off now: Strangulation and rape again and agian….no thanks. I just had to figure out a way to get out safely with my life and for the kid's lives. That would take more time than I had bargained for because life creates obstacles.
The following month my Mom would call me. She had been informed by the hospital that my dad had had a stroke. She would be leaving to be by his side while he recovered. He had been working out of town to repair their rental house and had taken ill with pneumonia which was followed by a stroke. I needed to be there for her during this time especially since he had gone into delirium tremens because of his 40 year addiction to alcohol. She would have to inform the Dr.'s of his alcoholism so they could treat him properly. I had to focus on her crisis right now. This would last 3 plus years. It was a life changing experience for both of us to go through. I would end up asking myself if I would do what she was doing for my dad if the same or similar fate should befall my husband. The answer was: No. I was delayed but I would leave and get a divorce as soon as I could.
Later this year I would start seeing a counselor in order to work out the problems that our marriage had caused for me. I did not want to get back together but I needed support in getting out. I wanted to be sure that I wasn't making problems where there weren't any. If you can believe that! I would also make an appointment with an attorney for a consultation. I just wanted to know the rules in our state. Could I get a divorce without saying why I wanted it? I did this because I knew that if I accused him of his wrong doings he would come after me and possibly physically hurt me and our children. I knew full well that this was a dangerous move and I wanted to do all I could to keep us safe.
I was experiencing trepidation about what was on the horizon but that was not enough to stop me from going through with it. I feared the devil I knew and dreaded meeting the one I didn't know.

PART 2---THREE AGAINST ONE

The Recruit

We had entered a new phase of the abusive relationship. The children were in school now and I went back to work 3 days a week. I was enjoying it. I bought new clothes, had a new hair style, enjoyed new adult conversations and mental stimulation. I had found my career again after a long absence. There was plenty of male attention that wasn't critical and I regained self-worth which had all but disappeared during my marriage. I still had the other 4 days to devote to my children and home. I was so lucky to find a Nanny that came in on my work days so the children did not have to be in day care but could have the benefit of the their home and neighborhood friends etc. Little did I know that my husband was enlisting my children as his supporters in his nefarious acts against me.  I think he saw my new employment as a threat and decided to slowly indoctrinate my children into his belief system of divide and conquer. I was still their Mommy and they did still cling to me even though he was using them for his own ends..
This would become more apparent when I entered my baking and canning in the state fair. My daughter entered her baking as well because I had enrolled her in a 4-H group in our neighborhood. One of my good friends was the group leader. Everything seemed to be falling into place and I was experiencing such relief from the domestic imprisonment I had endured for around nine years. The physical abuse had diminished slightly again as he didn't want me reporting his attacks to anyone in the medical profession. He only hit me where it wouldn't show. Still, there was a dis-ease at home . He switched to a different tactics to cripple me. He used sleep deprivation by throwing me out of bed so I would have to wait until he fell asleep in order to enter the bedroom and /or disturbing my sleep by trying to seduce me in the middle of the night and further he would start a fight before bedtime to upset me so I couldn't go to sleep. Another tactic that I was oblivious to until "THE FAIR"were the signs of Parental Alienation. They were small at first, nearly unrecognizable, subtle signs.  I had this nagging feeling of an undercurrent of something being out of place or "off".
I became very hyper-vigilant about his whereabouts and if he had arrived home before me and for how long. My Nanny was loyal to me and relayed all happenings to me but didn't question me about my situation. She was very observant and once said that she was married to a man who had abused her and turned her boys against her. She was 80 when I hired her and was very keen on telling me very sweetly that she thought I wasn't being treated fairly. I tucked it away mentally until I had more confirmation.
As tuned in as I tried to be about my husband, I didn't even think to look at my children. He was grooming them to be his pawns in the worst of all possible ways" the destruction of their mother and their bond with her. This was not even on my radar.. My children and I were close. I didn't think anything could happen to that.
This was the day that all the pieces would fit. This was the day that would change my life for years to come. This is the day I knew that what I had been dealing with was more than drunkenness, more than low coping skills more than selfishness, more than chauvinism, more than male bonding and woman hating... Everything pointed to a depth of betrayal and maleficence that was eerie. This time he had openly involved my 8 year old daughter. He had become the epitome of exploitation and malign cunning. His disregard for social and moral standards had manifested in an unmistakable and frightening way. He had used his child to further his agenda of hate. 
Fear struck me again.  The impostor had overplayed his hand and I was forced to pretend that I hadn't noticed. It would be two more weeks before I knew the truth and my suspicions were warning me that he was up to no good. I had a sixth sense about his behaviors because I had learned to protect myself by being alert to his misdeeds before I was caught flat footed and unable to defend myself.
It was the opening day of the State Fair in August. We went to the Fair as a family. I had spent weeks preparing my entries in baking and canning and my daughter would enter some things with her 4H group. It had been a wonderful summer. A lot of the women and girls in our little rural community had entered their favorite and best efforts. I thought this would be a great adventure as well as fun at the fair. I was excited but reserved and I was little giddy inside as I knew I was a part of this event in my own small way. It was a good feeling. We were in public and we would have fun.
As we entered through the gate at the fairgrounds the smells and sounds bombarded our senses. There is an unmistakable atmosphere full of tantalizing aromas and noises at a fair. A cacophonic orchestra of throngs of People milling around to organ grinder music from the Carnival, and the shrieks from the rides gave rise to an up-beat tempo. Carnies invited people to participate by barking "Get your honey a stuffed animal here "Only a dime a throw". The lights form the Ferris wheel twinkled as the chairs rolled round and round and puffs of Cotton candy seemed to be floating like [ink clouds in the midst of the patrons. We had to see the 3 headed monster in the spook house and giggle at our distorted images on the House of Mirrors. It was silly fun but I loved it. My children being 8 and 10 added to the thrill because they were old enough to really enjoy it. The true joy was seeing through the eyes of a child again. A vicarious moment you might say.
We soon came upon the Barn that displayed all the entries that had been judged and awarded. It was my turn. I knew there were hundreds of entries in every category so I didn't expect to win but the joy was in participating and exposing my kids to something so big. May be I would even get 5th place or honorable mention. I went to see the baked entries first and they were next to my daughters entries so I looked everything over and ,of course, she placed in all she entered. I was so excited for her but she had gone off with her dad to look at my canning exhibits. I went to catch up with them and they were returning to see me and he told me that I hadn't even placed at all. That was hard to believe but I took it in stride. However, something looked "OFF". There was that inner voice again: "warning, caution, pay attention". My daughter was very quiet almost sullen and she was no longer interested in what she had entered at all. The whole thing had taken a downturn in mood and demeanor and I was trying to keep my anxiety under control while I tried to read between the lines. What was going on here?
We wondered off further into the animal barns and my husband was distant and aloof. It was as if the kids were walking on eggshells and I had no idea what had changed the mood so drastically. Hopefully we could enjoy some rides and get something to eat to elevate their spirits.
We left for home…nothing left to see. It was so miserable being married to him, I thought to myself. I am 35 and absolutely miserable. Oh well, there will be other fairs I decided.
Two weeks later it was time to pick up our entries from the Fair office and claim our prizes and monetary compensations. There it was , in black and white , with a blue ribbon stapled to it, my jam had taken 1st place and some other awards as well! I was without reasons for this deceit.. He had taken my ribbons off of the jars and my daughter had held his secret. She knew what he had done and she would never tell. I decided that I would never let on that I received the ribbon and confront them with the truth. I put it away and never mentioned it again. I would not engage him over this. It was now obvious that he could not afford for me to ever know my worth.
He didn't know that I knew how twisted he really was. I would get out of this relationship before I would let on about his craziness. The things he had done before this were indicative of a perverse pattern of behavior that I no longer wanted to be around. He had stolen recipes that I had received compliments on. He had dug up flower bulbs that I had planted and when they didn't come up he wanted me to believe that I was an inadequate gardener, he hid things and then blamed me for losing them. Thank God I had been given a strong mind and his games were cataloged in my mind as things to watch out for but never taken on as my true beliefs. This was the turning point, however difficult it was to live with. On this day in September I promised myself that I would not continue to live like this. I would definitely be divorcing him but it would take a year and half to get that in motion without spilling the beans. It would take 3 years more to actually get a divorce. It was dangerous enough as it was and to divulge my intentions would be disastrous for all of us. I had to keep my wits about me. Unfortunately it would be too late for my children, he had already turned them into spies and accomplices…..I had just been introduced to Parental Alienation 101. As George Orwell wrote in the book 1984: The "children were systematically turned against their parents and taught to spy on them and report their deviations." I was totally unaware of the depth and length of time that this had been going on and how it would continue no matter what precautions I took. It wasn't even recognized back then and I certainly was not aware of its hideous consequences or even how it worked. I would learn that nothing was too low for him to use against me. He had a bag full of contemptuous behaviors. Anything that would hurt me was fair game, especially breaking the bonds between my children and me.
This forewarning caused me to reconsider my job position and I decided to quit and stay at home to protect my children against this family invader. I couldn't let this happen. But, it had already happened and was in full play. I took another job on 1/2 day weekend and vacation relief for my friend.  So much for the feeling that everything was falling into place in my wonderful world of friends and neighbors.  So much for my children and I being close enough to ever be inseparable.  We were living with a predator who only wanted to use and destroy us. He manipulated us in a way that "everyone could be surrounded night and day by informers who knew them intimately" (133)study guide George Orwell 1984
It was scary time of serious mistrust in our home.