PART 2---THREE AGAINST ONE

The Recruit

We had entered a new phase of the abusive relationship. The children were in school now and I went back to work 3 days a week. I was enjoying it. I bought new clothes, had a new hair style, enjoyed new adult conversations and mental stimulation. I had found my career again after a long absence. There was plenty of male attention that wasn't critical and I regained self-worth which had all but disappeared during my marriage. I still had the other 4 days to devote to my children and home. I was so lucky to find a Nanny that came in on my work days so the children did not have to be in day care but could have the benefit of the their home and neighborhood friends etc. Little did I know that my husband was enlisting my children as his supporters in his nefarious acts against me.  I think he saw my new employment as a threat and decided to slowly indoctrinate my children into his belief system of divide and conquer. I was still their Mommy and they did still cling to me even though he was using them for his own ends..
This would become more apparent when I entered my baking and canning in the state fair. My daughter entered her baking as well because I had enrolled her in a 4-H group in our neighborhood. One of my good friends was the group leader. Everything seemed to be falling into place and I was experiencing such relief from the domestic imprisonment I had endured for around nine years. The physical abuse had diminished slightly again as he didn't want me reporting his attacks to anyone in the medical profession. He only hit me where it wouldn't show. Still, there was a dis-ease at home . He switched to a different tactics to cripple me. He used sleep deprivation by throwing me out of bed so I would have to wait until he fell asleep in order to enter the bedroom and /or disturbing my sleep by trying to seduce me in the middle of the night and further he would start a fight before bedtime to upset me so I couldn't go to sleep. Another tactic that I was oblivious to until "THE FAIR"were the signs of Parental Alienation. They were small at first, nearly unrecognizable, subtle signs.  I had this nagging feeling of an undercurrent of something being out of place or "off".
I became very hyper-vigilant about his whereabouts and if he had arrived home before me and for how long. My Nanny was loyal to me and relayed all happenings to me but didn't question me about my situation. She was very observant and once said that she was married to a man who had abused her and turned her boys against her. She was 80 when I hired her and was very keen on telling me very sweetly that she thought I wasn't being treated fairly. I tucked it away mentally until I had more confirmation.
As tuned in as I tried to be about my husband, I didn't even think to look at my children. He was grooming them to be his pawns in the worst of all possible ways" the destruction of their mother and their bond with her. This was not even on my radar.. My children and I were close. I didn't think anything could happen to that.
This was the day that all the pieces would fit. This was the day that would change my life for years to come. This is the day I knew that what I had been dealing with was more than drunkenness, more than low coping skills more than selfishness, more than chauvinism, more than male bonding and woman hating... Everything pointed to a depth of betrayal and maleficence that was eerie. This time he had openly involved my 8 year old daughter. He had become the epitome of exploitation and malign cunning. His disregard for social and moral standards had manifested in an unmistakable and frightening way. He had used his child to further his agenda of hate. 
Fear struck me again.  The impostor had overplayed his hand and I was forced to pretend that I hadn't noticed. It would be two more weeks before I knew the truth and my suspicions were warning me that he was up to no good. I had a sixth sense about his behaviors because I had learned to protect myself by being alert to his misdeeds before I was caught flat footed and unable to defend myself.
It was the opening day of the State Fair in August. We went to the Fair as a family. I had spent weeks preparing my entries in baking and canning and my daughter would enter some things with her 4H group. It had been a wonderful summer. A lot of the women and girls in our little rural community had entered their favorite and best efforts. I thought this would be a great adventure as well as fun at the fair. I was excited but reserved and I was little giddy inside as I knew I was a part of this event in my own small way. It was a good feeling. We were in public and we would have fun.
As we entered through the gate at the fairgrounds the smells and sounds bombarded our senses. There is an unmistakable atmosphere full of tantalizing aromas and noises at a fair. A cacophonic orchestra of throngs of People milling around to organ grinder music from the Carnival, and the shrieks from the rides gave rise to an up-beat tempo. Carnies invited people to participate by barking "Get your honey a stuffed animal here "Only a dime a throw". The lights form the Ferris wheel twinkled as the chairs rolled round and round and puffs of Cotton candy seemed to be floating like [ink clouds in the midst of the patrons. We had to see the 3 headed monster in the spook house and giggle at our distorted images on the House of Mirrors. It was silly fun but I loved it. My children being 8 and 10 added to the thrill because they were old enough to really enjoy it. The true joy was seeing through the eyes of a child again. A vicarious moment you might say.
We soon came upon the Barn that displayed all the entries that had been judged and awarded. It was my turn. I knew there were hundreds of entries in every category so I didn't expect to win but the joy was in participating and exposing my kids to something so big. May be I would even get 5th place or honorable mention. I went to see the baked entries first and they were next to my daughters entries so I looked everything over and ,of course, she placed in all she entered. I was so excited for her but she had gone off with her dad to look at my canning exhibits. I went to catch up with them and they were returning to see me and he told me that I hadn't even placed at all. That was hard to believe but I took it in stride. However, something looked "OFF". There was that inner voice again: "warning, caution, pay attention". My daughter was very quiet almost sullen and she was no longer interested in what she had entered at all. The whole thing had taken a downturn in mood and demeanor and I was trying to keep my anxiety under control while I tried to read between the lines. What was going on here?
We wondered off further into the animal barns and my husband was distant and aloof. It was as if the kids were walking on eggshells and I had no idea what had changed the mood so drastically. Hopefully we could enjoy some rides and get something to eat to elevate their spirits.
We left for home…nothing left to see. It was so miserable being married to him, I thought to myself. I am 35 and absolutely miserable. Oh well, there will be other fairs I decided.
Two weeks later it was time to pick up our entries from the Fair office and claim our prizes and monetary compensations. There it was , in black and white , with a blue ribbon stapled to it, my jam had taken 1st place and some other awards as well! I was without reasons for this deceit.. He had taken my ribbons off of the jars and my daughter had held his secret. She knew what he had done and she would never tell. I decided that I would never let on that I received the ribbon and confront them with the truth. I put it away and never mentioned it again. I would not engage him over this. It was now obvious that he could not afford for me to ever know my worth.
He didn't know that I knew how twisted he really was. I would get out of this relationship before I would let on about his craziness. The things he had done before this were indicative of a perverse pattern of behavior that I no longer wanted to be around. He had stolen recipes that I had received compliments on. He had dug up flower bulbs that I had planted and when they didn't come up he wanted me to believe that I was an inadequate gardener, he hid things and then blamed me for losing them. Thank God I had been given a strong mind and his games were cataloged in my mind as things to watch out for but never taken on as my true beliefs. This was the turning point, however difficult it was to live with. On this day in September I promised myself that I would not continue to live like this. I would definitely be divorcing him but it would take a year and half to get that in motion without spilling the beans. It would take 3 years more to actually get a divorce. It was dangerous enough as it was and to divulge my intentions would be disastrous for all of us. I had to keep my wits about me. Unfortunately it would be too late for my children, he had already turned them into spies and accomplices…..I had just been introduced to Parental Alienation 101. As George Orwell wrote in the book 1984: The "children were systematically turned against their parents and taught to spy on them and report their deviations." I was totally unaware of the depth and length of time that this had been going on and how it would continue no matter what precautions I took. It wasn't even recognized back then and I certainly was not aware of its hideous consequences or even how it worked. I would learn that nothing was too low for him to use against me. He had a bag full of contemptuous behaviors. Anything that would hurt me was fair game, especially breaking the bonds between my children and me.
This forewarning caused me to reconsider my job position and I decided to quit and stay at home to protect my children against this family invader. I couldn't let this happen. But, it had already happened and was in full play. I took another job on 1/2 day weekend and vacation relief for my friend.  So much for the feeling that everything was falling into place in my wonderful world of friends and neighbors.  So much for my children and I being close enough to ever be inseparable.  We were living with a predator who only wanted to use and destroy us. He manipulated us in a way that "everyone could be surrounded night and day by informers who knew them intimately" (133)study guide George Orwell 1984
It was scary time of serious mistrust in our home.