THE BULL IN THE CHINA SHOP

Monday is a good start. I went back to my attorney to file for divorce. I had the money for my retainer and the strength of my convictions. I held to my beliefs that exposing him for what he had done to me during our marriage was the wrong tactic to use in order to get out safely. I know that many in authority or as advocates for abused women would disagree with me but I knew my husband and to criticize him openly would bring the harsh consequences of narcissistic rage. He had shown me over the years just how far he would go if exposed or confronted and I wasn't about to tempt fate. Remember, too, that this was a time when police and legal authorities professed to the allegiance of the good old boys club. They would "go easy on the guy" after all he's one of us. I trusted that bit of information and continued to doubt that they would help me. I could trust only my own experience and that told me to never to reject him; to make him look bad in front of others would be a fatal mistake.  So I filed a no fault divorce and said nothing further about my reasons for seeking a divorce. I refused to give him ammunition to use against me or twist to his own advantage. All information to an abuser is fair game for lies and manipulations. Just keep quiet and proceed. Justice is unlikely to prevail against a dangerous narcissist and you could be the one hanging at the end of a rope designed to thwart your attempt to leave him. After 17 years with him I was fully aware of his vindictive nature. After reaching his boiling point, he was beyond reason.  I refused to go there.
We were going on 6 weeks at our safe house. I never thought it would take this long. My daughter who was 11 at the time had secretly given him the phone number of where we were staying.  So he started calling there. I was shocked but I spoke with him to try and diffuse the situation around the people who had opened their home to me. He was trying to tempt me back home with trying to make me aware of what I would be losing if I left. He said " you know , if I take all the furniture in the family room, the kids and you will not have a TV" I told him I didn't think anyone died of not having a TV. His response was," OK then I'm taking it" and he hung up. If he had really cared for his children like he claimed, he would have left the TV for them and bought a new for himself. For me, it was one hurdle down but a lingering disappointment that my daughter had crossed a line and jeopardized our safety. I tried to accept that she had been tricked into giving it to him because she obviously wasn't as good at deciphering manipulation tactics. My son had also been displaying some defiant behaviors that were really out of character for him. I was shocked at some of the things he was doing. What was going on here? Perhaps it was the very idea of a divorce and not being in their own home. They certainly were not acting like grateful guests. I encouraged myself with the thought that once we got back home everything would be better. Patience.
It was time for the Deposition or Pretrial discovery, which would be held at my attorney's office and would be recorded by a court reporter. With the usual name address and phone out of the way we advanced to the mediation and divorce.
And then he started. His attorney proposed that I give him half of the property for his residence (which he would build). I said absolutely not I was not living next door to him for any reason. If they insisted on doing that I wanted to sell the whole thing, house and all, and split the difference. They backed down. Then he accused me of taking some trees he had bought or planted down in the lower property. I thought here we go a downright lie to put me in a bad light. Trees???, I said, exclaiming that I knew nothing about any trees. I was getting angry with his attempt to lie. In trying to control myself I said "if there were any trees I don't know anything about what happened to them, maybe the horse ate them!" The entire room started laughing. It was over. His dishonesty had betrayed him.
We would soon be taking occupancy of our home and he would be compelled to move out. The actual divorce would take six months to complete.
Moving back in would take my breath away. He had absolutely had a fit of rage in there, taking everything that wasn't nailed down and destroying things in his way. WOW! I wasn't ready for this. There I go again, thinking that he would be fair and play by the rules. Of course he didn't. He expected that I would follow the ruling of the courts and be bound by an agreement but he definitely didn't have to comply because he was entitled to do bad things against me because he was absolved of integrity by evil design. He had a right to be mad and act on that anger in any way he saw fit. He refused to see himself as an aggressor or a monster or an abuser or a selfish brat who never grew up. In his efforts to reduce me to ruins, he had taken the fireplace insert out of the wall (all 500 pounds of it), he had broken the vacuum cleaner so it was inoperable. All of the furniture in the family room was gone which we had agreed to. He also took all of the silverware, the coffee pot, some dishes and my favorite pots and pans. Everywhere I looked there was nothing to cook with. He had stolen my grandmother's things that I had inherited and I never saw them again. One of the most uncomfortable destruction's he took was to cut a hole in the door jamb so we couldn't lock our doors against him. It was an aluminum door jamb for a slider and I truly did not know how to fix that. We would have to use a bar guard for the time being. When I dared to look in the bathroom even the shampoo was gone. We had one towel left for three people and the shower curtain was ripped down. My kids looked at me in disbelief, as if I had caused this. I had to pull myself together and be brave in face of his rebellion. Well, there are always second hand stores until we get better. My counselor asked me what I would do about such a large property, how would I take care of it She asked? Since I was fully aware that he had taken the lawn mower, I told her I would wait for the snow to cover it up: Never mind that it was still summer. 
He had declared war and revealed his hand, we were not safe and, if he had his way, we would never be. I refused to crumble, I was out and I was staying out.