IF ONLY

When I began this blog over a year ago I was under the impression that there wasn't much out there on the traumas that I had experienced. There was clinical information on Narcissism but that didn't tell the human story of how much it hurt and why it hurt to endure these things. What I wanted to talk about were the attacks and the callous and heinous ways that these marauders of my soul acted toward me. 
I was also on a healing journey of my own. I had been told many times before writing this that writing it down would help me to heal and bring me some peace. Sometimes it did and other times it was a painful process of discovery of the maliciousness of the people that I had loved and their disregard for me. I had put so much into my marriage and had invested my entirety into my children only to come away with wounds and scars that may never be erased and comforted because of who they are. As I wrote it became apparent that these people, my family, did not fit into a mold or a certain grouping of symptoms. And so , I was solving a mystery of sort. What had caused this and what was it? 
As I researched my experiences and their behaviors I think I was hoping that it was "only alcoholism" or "only drug addiction "or only "narcissism" or maybe, " just simple parental alienation". What became obvious was that there were no "onlys". All of these conditions had worked together to form a whole. It had morphed into a gang mentality of three that had nearly destroyed me emotionally, financially, mentally and physically. I had been a loving and giving mother and wife working from a disadvantaged position because I had no idea what they were up to. When I tried harder and they would come up with new ways to throw me off. They were enjoying the game of cat and mouse while I was trying to understand why everything was always going wrong. 
I tried to be strong in the face of teenage rebellion but I would find out later that this was not their problem either. After they reached the age of 20 and their father had died they were still a problem to me. They liked to confuse and humiliate me with their recklessness and lies. OMG The lying! I blamed myself for years thinking I must have done something terrible for them to be so wayward and so full of hate toward me. After considerable soul searching I knew that I had been a dedicated mom and the only thing I had done was to stay too long in a marriage with a man who was absolutely deviously crazy. 
I began to unravel his family tree and look at what they all held in common. Through this lens I saw a link of inherited behaviors or legacies of mental and emotional traits that were the same in all cases. They drank and/or did drugs, They had sexual immorality (his mother being a barmaid and a madam), they were criminals and con artists, they took advantage of people to line their pockets, they ignored their children or put them in less than advantageous situation, they had rage attacks and fought each other not only with words but with fists, they seemed to fit the definition of crazy. I thought that since we lived 900 miles way from them and only visited them occasionally, we were safe from this horror story. But that is not the case. Miles don't matter here. It was carried in their hearts, minds and souls. It was in the DNA of their offspring. It can be planted there at conception and it can be nurtured there in their environment, most likely both, although I can't say how. 
When I was young and getting married I thought it was right not to judge someone on the merits of their parents and family, now I say, take a hard look at what your intended was raised under because it may be served on your plate for the rest of your life. Even if you divorce, having children with this person raises the chance that your children will inherit or emulate this caustic group of cells called a person. You will find yourself in a position of having to leave your family behind so you can live a healthier and more stable life. This is not a natural occurrence for a parent. We bond with our child at birth, but it is not to say that they bond with us, especially if they have this set of genes. 
It is a difficult road as it plays our mile after mile until years have gone by. We face detours, construction and deconstruction, getting lost, no road maps and running out of gas, and broken parts but we press on with love trying to find the destination of family. We may find that this family doesn't work no matter what we do. You know the song, "You Can't Make Someone Love You" and there is a truth in that. If you have followed my blog since the beginning you will remember that I told you that I had attended AA when I was fist married and found that it didn't quite fit. Yes, he drank to excess but there was something else, that something else was what I needed to discover and uncover to fully recover from the seventeen years of a loveless marriage and thirty more years of repercussions of this lunacy through my children. Locked into this reprehensible code of life is the secret of how this is transferred and how this dominant condition prevails against all goodness and love in spite of itself. It can be horrifying. We must dare to look at it and investigate it for ourselves because if we don't we might repeat it. Heaven forbid.
What I will uncover is not what I wished for. Realizing what I had been through was heartbreaking. There is more to it.

THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM

Things had become so terrifyingly exhausting that I wanted to leave it all behind. I had to find a way to get out from under this torture. I knew I was trapped but maybe there was a different avenue to freedom.
I was chatting with a Doctor from another clinic and she was telling me that she could get me all the information I needed to work in the Middle East. She had done it and it had served her well. I asked her about my children and she said that the common practice was to place them in French boarding schools while you sign up for a year over there. I was seriously considering it but after delving more deeply into the restrictions I decided against it. I would be leaving one oppressive situation and accepting another in its place. I really didn't want to leave my kids either. I was desperate but maybe not that desperate.
I started considering another option: The one of the underground. There is a way to lose your identity and live in another place without being found. However, I knew that my children were old enough to call their dad and divulge our location especially if they were mad at me for taking them away from their friends and home. Besides, I would also not be able to tell my mother or any close friends that I had left or anything about this. I would just disappear one day and that was it. I thought that was unfair to my parents and my children. If I had been alone, I would have done it in a minute but I wasn't and that was the end of that option.
The only thing left was to stay where I was and deal with the devil I knew rather than a devil I didn't know. I would have to fight on alone and make it through, protecting what I could while suffering the vindictive attacks of a Dark Triad family. I had no idea how deeply this darkness would affect me and that it had the ability to devour my health and sanity. It was a passage through terrible cruelty placed on me for the enjoyment of others. Most days I would be frantic and fearful of what would happen next. I just had to do it, that's all.
My dad died in the middle of all this. His battle with alcoholism had ended with a stroke and then cancer. I really didn't know how I felt; I just had to be there for my mom. And so, I made all the arrangements with work etc. and the children and I boarded a plane to be with my Mom. When we arrived it was literal chaos thanks to my ex. We no more than got in the door than my mom's phone started ringing and my daughter kept answering it. My mom had to tell her to get off of the phone. I was unaware that it was my ex who had been checking on our whereabouts with the people in my neighborhood. Nobody knew where we were because we had left in such a hurry. I was furious with his nosy prying and spying. I was annoyed with my daughter, too, but there was no time for creating another problem on top of the ones we already had. We ate and went to bed for it was to be a long day tomorrow.
In the middle of the night my daughter woke up my mom and told her that her dad was in the alley. Or course my mom got up and shook me awake to tell me what was going on. I was so scared again and so traumatized that he could not even give our family a time to b together and to grieve our loss together without interruption. He had made the 3 hour drive in the middle of the night to do what? Lurk in the shadows like a fiend. I thought he must be possessed.  His obsession had completely consumed him. Did he think he could force me to love him? The whole time we were there my daughter was on the phone with him giving him all the details of the funeral and people who were at the house after the services. She obviously didn't know what side of the fence she was on but at that moment but he would fill her head with all kinds of garbage until he broke our bond into a million pieces. He was out for blood.
After the funeral we packed up my mom and I drove her back to my house to stay with us for a while. Family needs to be together during this time. In a few days, there was a knock on my front door. There he was, my ex, expecting me to be glad to see him. NOT! He actually asked me why I hadn't told him of my dad's death. I answered that it was none of his business anymore. He wanted to explain that he was a friend to my dad and on and on, to which, I slammed the door in his face. He wouldn't know friendship if it hit him head on. I was enraged at his selfish perceptions, as if he was the only person who had rights. I had a right to peace, to move on without harassment and to decide who could be in my life and who could not. I had a right to respect in times of sorrow and to be respected as the mother of our children. I knew he was not the weepy person who was at my front door. That victim mentality was one of the reasons I had left him. He was not who he pretended to be. He was an angry vindictive opportunistic liar with a false face. Each thing he did only pushed me farther away from him.
I had reasons to fear this man. He would attempt to convince the world that he was a wonderful man who only fault was loving me…. to death, if necessary.

THE FAMILY CON ARTIST.

They draw on their ability to talk people into things.

*I was never sure where this ability came from because it just appeared one day, but later I recognized that it had been practiced over time. Was this part of the genetic makeup which was so evident on my ex’s family line? There was always the chance that they had learned it from someone but who would teach them that? Their father? None-the –less it had become a part of their characters and personalities and something they shared like a genetic trait.

They learn what works TO GET THEM WHAT They WANT almost every time. They Practice manipulations: Practice makes perfect. Experience is the best teacher and repetition is the key to success. We now have a person with a manipulative skill set.


They play on your deepest affections or EMOTIONS. 

My example: I was their mother and of course we had strong ties to our family. They knew I was emotionally invested in them and cared deeply for them on every level. They decided that this was a strong tool for manipulation and used my motherly love against me for their personal gain.

They play the victim and make people feel pity for them. They guilt others into helping them through lies and sob stories.

They show signs of an addiction. Addicts are great talkers and takers and highly manipulative. They have to invest in their need by hook or by crook. Addicts also have a dull conscience or lack remorse for what they do. This makes them better swindlers.

My Example: All three of my perpetrators were and are substance abusers. You have heard of the “gift of gab”, well. They had it in abundance.  The substance abuse, alcohol or drugs, reduced their inhibitions and gave freedom of speech a new meaning. There was no conscience provoking thought or word once they got started. Lies were the standard, outrageous stories about friends and relatives took the spotlight and money was always part of the repertoire. My daughter truly believed she was due an inheritance from my mother and went to an attorney about it after a night on the town. She forgot that she had slandered my mother by making up stories about my mom having a love relationship with a family friend soon after my fathers’ death. I felt that my mom could do whatever she wanted to without some child poking her nose in where it didn’t belong. End result: no inheritance money but she tried.

They harness and direct their selfishness and greed to further their gain. They look for people who have wealth, talent or popularity to take advantage of: status symbols.

They learn to be an actress or actor and adopt a false persona to enhance their masquerade.

They convince people that they are successful or popular, a leader and someone to follow and admire. They play a role, appear to be someone they are not, rich well dressed, popular, fashionable, and part of the inner circle etc.

They convince themselves that they can fool anyone and because of that they usually do.

They build up resilience and don’t show fear or doubt. Your fear or doubt is a different story and they relish in it.

They develop their charm and power of persuasion.

They make sure they are believable and have trusting friends to back up their appearance of loyalty and faithfulness. Many people vouch for them.

They find peoples emotional needs and weaknesses and capitalize on them.

They create chaos for their targets by stirring up their emotional reactions. They tear down resistance by pushing you to the end of your rope by using the information they you have given them leaving you clueless.

A very important key here is your emotions. It carries throughout everything they do here. Sad, Mad or afraid is their motto in out witting you. If they can get into your emotional space, they have destroyed you. Guard your emotions and find indifference and safety.

They ask very personal questions about you pretending to be concerned for you in some way. They get others to share their fears, especially getting them to reveal what things they care about the most and the painful part of their lives so that they have all of their secrets to later use against them. They find out what others are insecure about or feeling inferior to or because of. They get to know them rather quickly, become their intimate partner or their closest friend, in order to create a bond. They promise to keep your secrets but then they don’t. Exposing you to ridicule is part of the fun of winning against you.

My example: This was my daughter’s favorite tactic. She would warm up to me asking me about my plans, my dates, or even my thoughts on subjects and then she would use it against me. This took the form of telling stories to my unsuspecting boyfriend to make me look bad. She would use it to report everything that was going on in our home to my ex-husband who rewarded her substantially for carrying tales. She told my mother that I spent money foolishly hoping to get me in trouble with her and tarnish my reputation as a mother... What money, I asked, incredulously? I spent it all on them and my bills, living paycheck to paycheck so they wouldn’t be deprived. And then they stole the rest! 

They make sure that you believe you can trust them. They will wear the false persona of trustworthiness and create in you the belief that they would never betray you or use you in any way. They set the stage for their breach of trust and you don’t find out until the deed is done. They have become your confidant: your most reliable counterpart. They are always there for you, while behind your back they are robbing you blind, financially, emotionally, and spiritually. They are breaking your trust.

My example: My son needed gas to get to work and back. I gave him my credit card to use at the local gas station. I told him to bring it right back after filling up. He did. I believed I could trust him. This happened several more times but then I began to wonder how come he needed so much gas. I was not aware that he was letting his girlfriend use his truck to drive around all day while he was at work and then driving miles to pick him up after he was off work. I gave him the card again but this time he kept it and let his girlfriend run up a tab at the mini mart, allowing her to forge my name on the charge. I was also not aware that he was using drugs and needed gas from me so he could buy drugs with his paycheck.

They keep their victims coming back for more so they can get more. Remember it is a two way street until it’s over and they have gotten away with all of it; money, time, care, adoration. Everything you have to give is now theirs.