GATHERING EVIDENCE AND INFORMATION

I was still working every other weekend at the clinic, fulfilling my duties at home and biding my time until I could make some headway out of the marriage. It felt like I was paddling a row boat that was tied up to a dock. I was working hard but not going anywhere. The strife was getting harder to bear. He was back to his old self with rage attacks and drunkenness and the old "you can't tell me what to do and who to hang out with" routines. I was so beyond that that I didn't pay much attention any more. As far as I was concerned, he could go anywhere he wanted to with whomever he wanted to and it would no longer ruffle my feathers. As a matter of fact, I welcomed the times he was at a distance.
I guess he didn't like that I wasn't bothered by his behaviors and that fueled his rage. He started pointing his finger into my chest and annihilating me with verbal threats. Before I knew it I was on the floor with him straddling me to hold me down. Then his hand encircled my neck and I knew I was going to die. I quietly made my peace with God and waited for my last breath. Then there was a voice in my head telling me to relax. "Just relax", I heard, over and over. My head was turned to the side but I was pinned down and couldn't move or fight. This was the end I was sure. With his thumb on my larynx and his fingers pressing on my neck he forcefully pushed down while I relaxed. All of a sudden I heard a SNAP and I thought maybe I would die soon or I would find out that he had he had broken my neck. No, HE was screaming in pain as he released his hold on me. He had broken his thumb. Since I hadn't resisted, the force of the floor against his force ended up causing him an injury. It was over. He ran into the other room and I stood up gasping to breathe again. Predictably, calm followed panic and life went on. That scene, however, still plays in my head today.
It is now December and time for the Clinic's office Christmas Party. My friend and I made plans to drive there together and so I picked her up that evening. On the way she gave me some highly sensitive information. She told me that my husband had tried to rape her and how absolutely terrifying it was. My hands gripped the steering and wheel and I wondered if I should pull over considering how shocked I was. I wasn't really shocked about the rape attempt considering all the times I had been warned about this stuff before but I was horrified that he had done that to my friend. I told her I was so sorry and I asked her when this had happened. When she told me the date I knew it was at the time we had found that fighting cock in our pasture (her husband had put it there). It was also the time that my husband was hell bent on getting a rototiller to make a garden. He spent so much time working on it that I had even asked myself what he had done now to engage in such a penance. I always knew when something was up, I just didn't know what the offence was until later. I will always thank her for the courage to tell me. We went on to the Christmas party together and found a way to have fun. All bets were off now: Strangulation and rape again and agian….no thanks. I just had to figure out a way to get out safely with my life and for the kid's lives. That would take more time than I had bargained for because life creates obstacles.
The following month my Mom would call me. She had been informed by the hospital that my dad had had a stroke. She would be leaving to be by his side while he recovered. He had been working out of town to repair their rental house and had taken ill with pneumonia which was followed by a stroke. I needed to be there for her during this time especially since he had gone into delirium tremens because of his 40 year addiction to alcohol. She would have to inform the Dr.'s of his alcoholism so they could treat him properly. I had to focus on her crisis right now. This would last 3 plus years. It was a life changing experience for both of us to go through. I would end up asking myself if I would do what she was doing for my dad if the same or similar fate should befall my husband. The answer was: No. I was delayed but I would leave and get a divorce as soon as I could.
Later this year I would start seeing a counselor in order to work out the problems that our marriage had caused for me. I did not want to get back together but I needed support in getting out. I wanted to be sure that I wasn't making problems where there weren't any. If you can believe that! I would also make an appointment with an attorney for a consultation. I just wanted to know the rules in our state. Could I get a divorce without saying why I wanted it? I did this because I knew that if I accused him of his wrong doings he would come after me and possibly physically hurt me and our children. I knew full well that this was a dangerous move and I wanted to do all I could to keep us safe.
I was experiencing trepidation about what was on the horizon but that was not enough to stop me from going through with it. I feared the devil I knew and dreaded meeting the one I didn't know.