A GIFT HORSE

Really? Is he kidding right now? What a ridiculous notion! Why in the world would he want a horse?

Our friends had just bought a house in the country on some acreage. It was a cute place with a barn and a garden and some fencing. They were going to buy a couple of horses and asked my husband if he wanted to get a horse and board it with them at their new place. He could come over a ride it anytime he wanted to. This friend was, of course, the bad boy buddy but his wife was my friend. This seemed like too much entanglement to me and could become an imposition if they weren't careful, which they weren't. Nobody seemed bothered by it but me. Everybody had stars in their eyes about horseback riding together.

In the past I would have warned him about the financial burdens of a horse, the care they required and too much responsibility being put off on his friends. In the past I did a lot of things to keep things in line that I refused to do anymore. I used to drive around and look for his car at the bars, I sometimes called the bar to ask him to come home or I would ask my friend if she had seen him around. 

I was all set to object to the horse purchase when I decided to sit back and let it happen. I had come to a point where the more he was gone or away from us the better I liked it. When he went hunting or fishing for a weekend it was like heaven. I enjoyed the time alone. When he was late coming home from work because he was drinking, I would be grateful for his absence. This horse infatuation would give me another opportunity to be rid of him. The less I was around him the better. This isn't something I planned or forced myself to accept, it just turned up. I felt more like myself when he wasn't there. I wasn't fighting for an "us" anymore; I was fighting for a "me". I needed space and if this was the way to get it then fine. This was my proverbial gift horse. I would be sure not to look it in the mouth.

My husband announced that he also wanted to move farther out. He wanted some land and I agreed. I wanted a better house. It was time. The children needed their own rooms and we had outgrown our starter home. I would be happy to move.

The winds of change were pushing us. The children were no longer babies and were now preschoolers. My husband's job seemed very stable and I was finally over the ramifications of my pregnancies.

We found a house outside the city limits and I found a new life. It took some time but slowly it developed into a level of happiness I hadn't expected.

My friend and I joined a cooperative preschool and both of us became very active in its workings. We planned carpools, ran meetings organized fund raisers and were officers on the board. It was a 3 years involvement for me during which time I was vice president, then president and also wrote the school paper. It was a great outlet for me while being able to spend time with my children while they in turn learned social skills and songs and numbers, abc's etc. I was with my children most of the time and loved every minute of it. Everything was about them. My husband tried to limit my school activities but he couldn't get away with it without looking like control freak so he stood back a little. I still had my times with him though like him trying to forbid me from going to the board meeting and threatening me by throwing a pound of frozen hamburger at me just missing my head.

On one occasion he came in in a huff about somethings and started ripping the racks out of the dishwasher, smashing glassware and plates on the floor. Then in his fury he picked up the entire machine and threw it through the wall. I was holding back my kids as we stood there paralyzed by his fury. What in the world had come over him?

By this time, the gift horse was no longer an issue. My friend called one day and asked if I thought it would be OK to sell his horse because he was mean to it and hadn't shown much interest in taking care of it. I told her I agreed it should be sold but she should clear it with him. The one and only time I saw him ride his horse I was sensitive to the fact that the horse displayed a real dislike toward him; she didn't want him to ride her. There was this odd feeling that came over me about that horse and why he wanted her so badly. He had almost lusted after her. It was an unsettling message from the beyond. I never forgot the feeling but didn't know its meaning. Perhaps it was nothing.

She was sold and went to someone who would love her and take care of her. It gave me relief. I gave a gift to a gift horse.

A few weeks later on another errand for the preschool, I drove the 8 miles into town and the kids and I picked up some things for a project at school for my day as a leader.  When we returned to the car it wouldn't start, even after trying several times. I figured we'd better call someone before too long to get a ride home. When my husband came home I told him the car had quit in town and we had to go get it. I didn't know he was mad until we got there and then he acted royally angered at the whole idea. He chained it up to the truck and pulled me home. The kids were in the front with him and I was in the car. He gave me the scariest ride of my life. He sped around corners throwing me from side to side on the chain. Then he would jerk me and on the back roads he would slam on the brakes and then take off like some fired up maniac. It was a long 8 miles. When we got home my son jumped out of the truck and climbed a tree and I was trying to stop my heart from pounding out of my chest. The terrorizing just never stopped. It was affecting all of us. What was he getting out of this anyway? There had to be some payoff for him. From dishwashers to road rage, nothing was off limits.