HOPE AGAINST HOPE

HOPE AGAINST HOPE

Even though there were red flags everywhere I couldn't be convinced to abandon the dream because I didn't know what those red flags meant. I didn't understand the deeper problem. There was very little out there about psychopaths or miswired individuals. Resources were few and far between. There were criminals and hoodlums and crazies but I didn't know about normal clean cut guys that were "off" while being charming: Guys who put on false fronts to cover their cruelty and relational aggression. I didn't know that when he invalidated me and showed such shallowness of concern that it meant something more than a bad mood and a temperamental disposition. So I forged on. I stayed true to my moral values and beliefs and I honored my commitment even when he gave me every reason not to

It was time to move things forward and to take the initiative to make our lives better. I had been working very hard to stabilize our union and I wanted a chance to make sure the future would bring rewards; I decided to see if I could negotiate with our landlord to buy the little house we were living in. It needed a lot of work but I was sure we could turn this to our advantage. I approached her with the idea to let us buy the house from her and she could carry the contract. I also wanted to know if she would agree to let us apply a portion of our rent money to the down payment on the house. As luck would have it she agreed. I took a risk and it paid off, now I had to offer it to my husband. I caught a break, he didn't balk. I was nervous but so excited. So what if it was a cracker box from the 1930's it was ours, a symbol of growth and ownership. I knew we could do it. The landlord came over and we signed the contract and it was done. What a relief.

I became inflated with a sense of progress. I took another risk and applied for a credit card; Just one, a store card for emergencies. We would not use it for frivolous wants. It felt like security. I had also been saving money, a little each month out of my paycheck for a washer and dryer. I squirreled it away in a mason jar and hid it an old furnace that didn't work until I had enough.

When I looked at the back porch on that old house I knew it needed a rebuild before I could get the washer and dryer. We needed a utility room with some storage. I called my dad to see if he would be willing to help on that since he was a master craftsman and would know what to do for permits and lumber and so on. He said sure he would and work was in progress. I would have a laundry room instead of a musty back porch.

While my dad was building my new laundry room he got an electrical burn from switching wires outside the building. They called me at work to tell me my dad needed help. I rushed home and was glad to see he was still alive but his hand was badly burned. I called my boss and he agreed to see my dad when I brought him in. We hurried back to my office and the Dr. started treating the burn, with my assistance. We worked on him for at least an hour and gave him some medication for pain so he could come back home with me. I could tell my dad was very proud of what I had become. My years of schooling had shown him how dedicated I was. He thanked me. And because of that he did me another favor. Two actually, he restored my belief in my worth and he gave me an opportunity to get a new car. I pushed my past aside, the one where was emotionally crumbled and reached to the prize. I went to the bank and talked with the manager about getting a car loan solely on my salary and references. I was getting dealers price on the car so it was solid if I should default. Loan granted!  I paid every dime of that loan off with my salary until I paid it in full. Who drove it? He did.

On a Saturday he took the new car and went with his buddy somewhere and didn't come home until 3 am the next day. I had no idea what he was doing but he came home without the new car! They had been detained in another town and the car was impounded. This was the same town that a coworker of mine told me that they had terrorized some women. Of course I was never given all the facts surrounding the impound but I did find out that they had friends in the sheriff's department there and so were always given lenient penalties. The next day he absolutely insisted that I go with him to pay the fine and get the car.


I had hardly taken a breath between episodes when another mess rose up to bite me. Their little company bankrupted. I could have predicted that because he was so swept up in playing the business owner that they spent all of the proceeds on parties and liquor and supporting fishing trips for whomever would go. There was an endless supply of good times as long as their wives worked to pay the bills and worried until their hair fell out. They, however never felt a problem in the world. That is the great thing about being an addict or a psychopath or both; you don't have to feel any consequences. It is always better if the people around you pay the price for your misdeeds. It is more comfy that way. Frankly, my dear, he didn't give a damn.