When we arrived and checked in they put her in a little white patient gown and checked her over before the tests began. I felt very emotional seeing her in her gown. She looked like a little angel as she danced around in the "dress" they gave her. I had to choke back my tears. I was unraveling at the innocence behind her gaiety. She had no idea how serious this was. I had to hide it so the children would not think that this was an unusual Dr. visit but the cracks in my veneer were very close to the surface. I felt so in need of soothing but there was none. I had to be a true gown up mommy. I held my little boy in my lap while they took her in for the tests. I think I really needed to hold him close so I didn't fall apart. I was scared for my family and my daughter. I was reflecting without cause maybe. I pondered a lot of things about the impermanence of life and about bravery and courage in the face of hardship in those few minutes but it would soon pass. After the tests we were taken in to see the Dr. He was very nice and addressed a lot of my concerns and told me that she definitely had a hole in her heart but that he wanted to simply watch it. She wasn't showing any signs of ill health and he thought a conservative approach was the best. I was relieved but still on alert. I thanked him and we left for home.
It was a long day and my reserves were shaken. I got the kids settled and started dinner, at least for them. Something warm would help everyone since it was pouring down rain and chilly. I turned up the heat for a while.
A little later their dad arrived and we sat down to dinner. After the meal was over I started to talk to him about the appointment and he snarled at me and told me to shut up and that he didn't want to ever hear anything about it. I was stunned. I blinked wrong or something and he went into a full blown rage and started roughing me up finally throwing me outside in the pouring rain. My children were watching me with their little noses pressed up against the window glass. I was drenched and degraded. I sought shelter in the unclosed car until he would let me back in.
What I didn't realize at the time and wouldn't grasp for many years to come was that this was his morbid agenda. This was how he would teach the children that I was only worthy of abuse and degradation. He was showing them that it is ok to punish mommy and disrespect her. I don't know what he said to them when I was locked outside but I am sure it was along the lines of "bad mommy" and "stupid mommy" etc. I am sure they were very afraid and that fear would stick forever. No matter how much I loved them it would never convert terror toward me into loyalty to me. It would take repeated episodes of violence, power and rage to convince them that I was of no value to them. In turn, I was his scapegoat. In his eyes, I had to be defiled and made to look bad to excuse his irrational self. His only credibility was making me a woe-be gone, burned out replacement of my former self. The spirit of a loving, bright, optimistic, lively, young mother had to be eradicated. I had no idea what I was up against, No idea at all. It was so cruel and unjust that it was unfathomable that any man would do that to his wife and children. How could I stop him from doing what I didn't know he was doing? I knew the external manifestations of his rage but I did not know the hidden motives behind it. I would lose many battles and many things and some people along the way but I would keep my SELF. I could not let him destroy me even when it looked like he might.
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