I was home from the hospital with two babies and still recovering from my surgery. Day by day I threw myself full on into motherhood. They were my constant companions and responsibilities. I loved their adorable faces and baby hands. I would grow with them. I was a full time mom now with no outside employment which is what I wanted. Tired? Yes but it would be worth it .I just knew it.
Immediately following my return home it was time to buy the car tabs which meant standing in long lines before the end of the month. When I discovered he hadn't done that while I was in the hospital I was put off. He said he had been working but that was low season for construction and this was only an excuse not to do something for me. It never failed; he just wasn't going to let up on me.
During midnight feeding and diapers and ear aches and loads of laundry he announced that he was getting another job, this time with a union company. I knew it was an opportunity for higher pay and greater benefits and even overtime pay but I had to ask if his friend was going to work there too. Of course, the answer was yes. This worried me greatly. Past performances of the two of them together were hardly a good thing: More of that I could do without. Actually it had proved to be dangerous in all too many ways.
In a few weeks he came home with his union book and put it in the kitchen drawer where we kept such things. He would have to keep track of it and take it when he needed it. I gave it no further thought. It was his responsibility, right?
Several weeks later he came in and was looking in the kitchen drawer for his union book but it wasn't there. He started accusing me of moving it or losing it. I told him I hadn't seen it since he put it in there when he brought it home. He dropped the conversation and went outside to do some chores.
The baby was in her infant seat and my little boy was walking and toddling around and wanted to go outside. So I checked with his dad to see if he would spend some time with him outside. He agreed and so coats on and he was ready to play. I stayed in with the baby and did some housework. It seemed very quiet outside so I thought I would check. My little boy was missing! I felt like my husband had intentionally ignored him when I wasn't looking. We lived in a wooded area and there were millions of places he could have wandered into. He could be seriously lost. I was scared out of my mind. We told all the neighbors and everyone went out looking for him. It seemed like forever until one of the neighbor boys found him up the road in a horse pasture. Another neighbor drove me up there to get him and brought us both home safely. I was so busy calming myself down and taking care of my children that I didn't have time to focus on what my husband had just done. He didn't even look for our child. He just stood there. What was going on inside of his head? How could he be so careless?
Later in the month my mom came over for a visit and to spend time with the grand-babies. I always welcomed the visit and loved what she would bring as gifts for the kids and for me: especially home canned tomatoes. While she was there my husband went back to "the drawer" and called me over to look into it. I thought it was an odd time to do that but I pulled the drawer open and there was his union book. I turned and looked straight at him. I glared into his eyes and said, "YOU! (did this)", in an unmistakable tone of disgust. He pulled back and had a grin of gratification on his face. He had just pulled off psychological sadism and his thrill was showing. I whirled around and went and sat by my mother. What a fool! If he simply wanted the book to reappear without blame why didn't he say he found it in some other papers in his filing box or something? I guess he just needed to do something horrible.
Mom went home, my husband went to work and I had to think about all these recent events. I decided that I had to gain some form of acceptance to what was happening in my life. I was not going to condone his behaviors, nor was I going to deny them, I just had to get through it until I could leave him. There were things that I just did not understand. What would cause somebody to act like this?
When I did leave (which would be years from now): I did not leave him for another man or for more money or for any other reason than I could not find his "goodness". After 17 years of searching for it through, forgiveness, compassion, patience ignoring, rephrasing, justifying, shifting perspectives, and self-sacrifice, I hadn't been able to find his redeeming quality. I couldn't find the one thing that would allow me to deny or forgive the fact that there was an infinite supply of selfishness, cruelty, rebelliousness, and spite within him. I knew it would never end: he was still a bully boy who tripped unsuspecting victims in the school hall and laughed at their shock and humiliation at having to pick them-selves up off the floor in front of gawking on-lookers. He found too much pleasure in that for me. It is what fulfilled his empty core.
The right opportunity finally arose when my daughter was eleven and I took my children and I left quietly without accusation or reproach. I released him from our matrimonial bonds. In anticipation of our divorce I sought counsel from an attorney about the laws in our state regarding no fault divorce. I wanted to know if I had to give reasons why I was seeking to end the marriage or if I could just file and leave it at that. The reason for this was threefold:
1. I didn't want his reputation for abuse to affect his children's lives. I felt protective of them. I didn't want to cause them public shame.
2. I wanted to save myself from having to argue with him in court about what he did or did not do. I knew his glib ability to twist things in his favor and so I wanted to thwart that from the beginning. I could not afford to underestimate his convincing ways. I had not forgotten his conniving "poor me" mentality.
3. I didn't want to give him any reason to seek revenge on me for a nasty divorce. His past behavior told me that he was vindictive and I needed to watch out for that. I decided not to tell the court what I had lived with.
What would eventually materialize was the harshest truth I had ever had to deal with and it wouldn't happen until years later. I would go through this same thing with my two children. I tried desperately to reach them but to no avail. They had followed in his footsteps. It would be a long time before I could accept that they, too, were people I had to walk away from. Once again, I could not find their "goodness". Theirs was an ample supply of lying, defiance, bilking, stealing; disregard, using; and smearing, laced with chaos and manipulation. It would take years to become aware of the depth of their maliciousness and betrayals. They were my children! The unfolding of this journey will be addressed beginning some 11 years later in the story. Stay tuned. For right now, in this story, however, they are still babies and innocent children and I love them with my whole heart. There are miles to go before I am free.
Tuesday, September 3, 2019
Monday, September 2, 2019
HIDDEN MOTIVES
Today my children and I would be making the trip to the Children's Center for an appointment with the cardiologist about my daughters heart defect. It was about 30 miles away so I packed some snacks and other necessities and left on our day trip.
When we arrived and checked in they put her in a little white patient gown and checked her over before the tests began. I felt very emotional seeing her in her gown. She looked like a little angel as she danced around in the "dress" they gave her. I had to choke back my tears. I was unraveling at the innocence behind her gaiety. She had no idea how serious this was. I had to hide it so the children would not think that this was an unusual Dr. visit but the cracks in my veneer were very close to the surface. I felt so in need of soothing but there was none. I had to be a true gown up mommy. I held my little boy in my lap while they took her in for the tests. I think I really needed to hold him close so I didn't fall apart. I was scared for my family and my daughter. I was reflecting without cause maybe. I pondered a lot of things about the impermanence of life and about bravery and courage in the face of hardship in those few minutes but it would soon pass. After the tests we were taken in to see the Dr. He was very nice and addressed a lot of my concerns and told me that she definitely had a hole in her heart but that he wanted to simply watch it. She wasn't showing any signs of ill health and he thought a conservative approach was the best. I was relieved but still on alert. I thanked him and we left for home.
It was a long day and my reserves were shaken. I got the kids settled and started dinner, at least for them. Something warm would help everyone since it was pouring down rain and chilly. I turned up the heat for a while.
A little later their dad arrived and we sat down to dinner. After the meal was over I started to talk to him about the appointment and he snarled at me and told me to shut up and that he didn't want to ever hear anything about it. I was stunned. I blinked wrong or something and he went into a full blown rage and started roughing me up finally throwing me outside in the pouring rain. My children were watching me with their little noses pressed up against the window glass. I was drenched and degraded. I sought shelter in the unclosed car until he would let me back in.
What I didn't realize at the time and wouldn't grasp for many years to come was that this was his morbid agenda. This was how he would teach the children that I was only worthy of abuse and degradation. He was showing them that it is ok to punish mommy and disrespect her. I don't know what he said to them when I was locked outside but I am sure it was along the lines of "bad mommy" and "stupid mommy" etc. I am sure they were very afraid and that fear would stick forever. No matter how much I loved them it would never convert terror toward me into loyalty to me. It would take repeated episodes of violence, power and rage to convince them that I was of no value to them. In turn, I was his scapegoat. In his eyes, I had to be defiled and made to look bad to excuse his irrational self. His only credibility was making me a woe-be gone, burned out replacement of my former self. The spirit of a loving, bright, optimistic, lively, young mother had to be eradicated. I had no idea what I was up against, No idea at all. It was so cruel and unjust that it was unfathomable that any man would do that to his wife and children. How could I stop him from doing what I didn't know he was doing? I knew the external manifestations of his rage but I did not know the hidden motives behind it. I would lose many battles and many things and some people along the way but I would keep my SELF. I could not let him destroy me even when it looked like he might.
When we arrived and checked in they put her in a little white patient gown and checked her over before the tests began. I felt very emotional seeing her in her gown. She looked like a little angel as she danced around in the "dress" they gave her. I had to choke back my tears. I was unraveling at the innocence behind her gaiety. She had no idea how serious this was. I had to hide it so the children would not think that this was an unusual Dr. visit but the cracks in my veneer were very close to the surface. I felt so in need of soothing but there was none. I had to be a true gown up mommy. I held my little boy in my lap while they took her in for the tests. I think I really needed to hold him close so I didn't fall apart. I was scared for my family and my daughter. I was reflecting without cause maybe. I pondered a lot of things about the impermanence of life and about bravery and courage in the face of hardship in those few minutes but it would soon pass. After the tests we were taken in to see the Dr. He was very nice and addressed a lot of my concerns and told me that she definitely had a hole in her heart but that he wanted to simply watch it. She wasn't showing any signs of ill health and he thought a conservative approach was the best. I was relieved but still on alert. I thanked him and we left for home.
It was a long day and my reserves were shaken. I got the kids settled and started dinner, at least for them. Something warm would help everyone since it was pouring down rain and chilly. I turned up the heat for a while.
A little later their dad arrived and we sat down to dinner. After the meal was over I started to talk to him about the appointment and he snarled at me and told me to shut up and that he didn't want to ever hear anything about it. I was stunned. I blinked wrong or something and he went into a full blown rage and started roughing me up finally throwing me outside in the pouring rain. My children were watching me with their little noses pressed up against the window glass. I was drenched and degraded. I sought shelter in the unclosed car until he would let me back in.
What I didn't realize at the time and wouldn't grasp for many years to come was that this was his morbid agenda. This was how he would teach the children that I was only worthy of abuse and degradation. He was showing them that it is ok to punish mommy and disrespect her. I don't know what he said to them when I was locked outside but I am sure it was along the lines of "bad mommy" and "stupid mommy" etc. I am sure they were very afraid and that fear would stick forever. No matter how much I loved them it would never convert terror toward me into loyalty to me. It would take repeated episodes of violence, power and rage to convince them that I was of no value to them. In turn, I was his scapegoat. In his eyes, I had to be defiled and made to look bad to excuse his irrational self. His only credibility was making me a woe-be gone, burned out replacement of my former self. The spirit of a loving, bright, optimistic, lively, young mother had to be eradicated. I had no idea what I was up against, No idea at all. It was so cruel and unjust that it was unfathomable that any man would do that to his wife and children. How could I stop him from doing what I didn't know he was doing? I knew the external manifestations of his rage but I did not know the hidden motives behind it. I would lose many battles and many things and some people along the way but I would keep my SELF. I could not let him destroy me even when it looked like he might.
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