Risk Rewards and Payoffs

My new neighborhood was a wonderful experience. All the homes had 2-10 acres and so we were not close to each other in space but we were in other ways. I met lots of friends and families, young and retired. I felt complete. We formed a group that took turns buying milk from the dairy for each other. Our children went to soccer and gymnastics with each other. We formed a 4-H group and taught our girls baking and sewing and cooking. Many of the ladies canned their own food and gardened and dehydrated their harvest which they would enter into the State Fair in August. I took mine to other fairs as well. It was very rewarding. We filled each other's lives with friendship and sharing.

The only thing that didn't improve was my marriage. He repeated old behaviors and undesirable attitudes. One of my neighbors gave me a sack full of dahlia bulbs from her garden. I was so excited because they were beautiful varieties. I planted them but they didn't come up. After a few weeks I went out to check them again and nothing. 

I dug into the ground where I had planted them, they had disappeared. I checked the other spot where I had planted them and there was no sign of them. I knew what happened, only because it had happened before at the other house. What was so important to him that he had to sabotage everything I did from cakes to recipes to flowers?

After a series of these problems and years of questioning the repetitions in his conduct whether violent of simply twisted, I would learn about his need for reward. What was important to him was that I should never outshine him no matter if it was something of interest to him or not. He was jealous, what I would consider, insanely jealous. He would come up with an idea that should discredit or confuse me and he would nurture that idea in his head until it became a fantasy and an obsession. The excitement would build inside of him and he would plan how to put it into motion. Just thinking about the action would give him an adrenaline rush. The reward centers of the brain were being stimulated before the actual deed took place. He was in a state of arousal before he stole the article, dug up the bulb or committed the rape or assault. When he acted on his fantasy his brain was flooded with dopamine. The act in itself was the reward. To get my response to the theft or assault would be the ultimate payoff which I had refused to give him. He hadn't achieved the highest high he could attain. Still, he was rewarded all along by the planning and execution of the crime. The dopamine release was the throttle for more and more of these assaults. He had gotten pleasure from them without my response.  And so he would repeat them relentlessly for the dopamine high.

My thinking had been that if I ignored his crimes or paid little or no attention to them they would burn out of their own accord. He would get tired of doing the same thing over and over again with no result. However my response wasn't really necessary in the scheme of things because he was getting his high from the indulging in the whole idea. He enjoyed the risk, the fantasy and making it happen and the dopamine insured that he would do it again. The high was the ultimate. My non-responsive attitude was my saving grace. It held back the possible altercation that these assaults could lead to.